Betsy is put in lockdown!
Back at Fao Fao, Evil Russell was patting himself on the back for ridding Samoa of the ever-dangerous Marisa. "She was a strong woman! I can't have that!" Russell seems like one of these guys who will go on and on about how stupid, worthless, lazy, etc. a person is until they get voted off. Then he will explain, at length, about how impressive he is to have rid himself of such a clever, sly and dangerous opponent.
He took Betsy aside and chastised her because she didn't trust him. Clearly she still didn't and they agreed to continue not trusting each other.
Mick hit the shore wearing some very strange boxers. Yellow with red accents maybe...it looked like he was wearing a dress or bloomers. Very strange.
Back at Galu, Yasmin wonders aloud why everyone else seemed to be weathering the beach better than her. "Why do I look so bad?" to which Dave replied "'Cause you funky, baby!" I don't know what that means, but it sounded funny.
Davis is starting to remind me of Kevin Spacey.
It sounds to me like Yasmin is ready to go home. She spent an inordinate amount of time whining about living outdoors. She did drop a Survivorfest hall of fame quote on us: "People said if you can survive in Detroit you can survive anywhere...I'll tell you this: The hood is not the wood!"
Jaison took Evil Russell aside to try to understand him better. They ended up in (yet another) secret alliance. Evil Russell seemed happy to be paired with Jaison at that point. We'll see how long it lasts.
Say what you will about Evil Russell, but he appears to be a game changer. Back at camp he immediately began looking for a hidden immunity idol. And damned if he didn't find one!
I think this has to set some sort of high mark, since there were plenty of people, given one or more clues, who were unable to find a hidden idol. Evil Russell pulled one out just by looking around.
I suspect future seasons of Survivor will see better-hidden immunity idols.
For those keeping score at home, Evil Russell gets 5 points for finding a hidden immunity idol (even though he wasn't really supposed to).
He was actually being watched by most of the tribe when he found the thing, but managed to hide it in his underwear. My oldest: "Yuck! I don't wanna touch that!" Hopefully Probst will use gloves.
Evil Russell took Jaison off to show him what he had found. I suspect it wasn't so much wanting to maintain the strategy or complete his alliance with Jaison as Evil Russell indicated...I think he just wanted to brag to someone that he found it.
I can't wait to see what ERuss does when he's eventually and inevitably voted off. The over/under is at flipping everyone off and the line is increasing weekly.
The challenge was a battle royal where groups of players fight to gain possession of three balls to toss to their companions to shoot at a hoop.
When they read about this in tree mail Mike was pumped!
"I'm a mean motor scooter and a bad go-getter! I'm gonna go downtown to China town!" I hereby rename Mike as Mr. Cliche.
The tribes did a great job of applying war paint for the challenge. It almost looked like they had help from make-up artists as opposed to the kindergarten scrawls they usually end up with.
The game started with three men vs. three men. Erik went nuts. I think he took a piece out of everybody. Good thing Mick is a doctor. He might be wishing he took dentistry after one hit.
Shambo clocked Liz in the head! Probst: "Easy on the face!" No one wants to watch a reality TV show starring twenty elephant people. Well, maybe they do. I need to send that one in to CBS.
Probst actually had to warn the contestants after the first rounds that the gameplay was getting too rough. No chokeholds or head butts! But pulling off someone's top is still okay...just makes for good reality TV!
During the next match Ben, sporting a peculiar pair of yellow boxer-briefs, tripped good Russell. This earned him banishment from the game for the first time in Survivor history.
Galu ended up winning the competition, but it paled in comparison to the sheer brutality of the match. Those folks were really going after each other. I guarantee you we will not see this game in a future Survivor season.
Probst asked Ben what he thought about being kicked out of the game. His reply? "Outlaw, baby!"
Galu got fishing supplies as their reward. The twist was that they had to choose one of their tribe to join Fao Fao for a day to hang out with them. They chose Yasmin.
She got a clue to take with her and she stood by the rest of the Fao Fao tribe. I couldn't help but notice Evil Russell checking her out, top to bottom. Seriously, anyone who doesn't find this guy creepy should quit walking through parking lots alone at night.
After the challenge, Mike (aka Mr. Cliche) wasn't well. Medical came in and found his blood pressure to be 80/60. After a hard physical challenge, that isn't right. Predictably, he soon passed out.
Medical staff's recommendation: Mike was done for the game. He was evacuated to a hospital.
Yasmin was crying like a baby, which is funny because she doesn't even belong to that tribe. Not to miss an opportunity to expound, Mike declared "It stinks ta have to leave the game, but dose guys never got me down in da pit!" Well except the one part where Erik dislodged your spleen with his shoulder.
For those keeping score at home, Mike gets 5 points for being a medical reject. He also is considered as the second person out of the game, should a loveable loser tie breaker be necessary.
Back at Galu, Shambo insisted on spear fishing with the new equipment. Unfortunately the water turned out to be murky and she didn't have any luck. In fact, she not only caught any fish, but she spent time floating around instead and managed to lose the mouthpiece for the snorkel.
Not an auspicious start.
At Fao Fao, Yasmin made an immediate impression. She stepped up, called everyone's attention and declared that she was a professional hairstylist, she was there to help them because they really sucked as a tribe and it wouldn't be fun to run over them in every single challenge. The woman didn't stop talking for twenty minutes. She had diarrhea of the mouth.
Evil Russell now hates her with every fiber of his being.
Yasmin took Ben aside and chastised him about a shot he took at her during the challenge. "You tackled me like a dude! That was disrespectful!"
Ben took exception to her rebuke and laid into her when he could get a word in edgewise. Some of the better zingers:
Listen to me, grammar school...
you smell bad
you're pretty close to being a hooker!
you're ghetto trash
Go make yourself a ketchup sandwich and some Kool-Aid!
Wow. I really have nothing to add to that. Hah. Of course I do. Talk about the wastecan calling the dumpster "trash".
Ben was so geared up that he spent most of the night keeping people up with his firemaking and wood chopping. He wore his buff in a way that made him look like Aunt Jemimah.
Betsy determined that she was definitely in danger of going home since she was evidently "old".
She chatted with the two blondes to try to get them to change their minds.
"You can't trust Russell! Use your women's intuition!"
One of the girls said "Yeah! Um, what?"
The other said "oh, that's okay, my daddy paid for college."
The bell tolls for thee, Betsy.
At tribal council Jeff managed, with little effort, to get Yasmin and Ben fighting again. She was eventually asked to leave so the tribe could vote Betsy off. She glared at Ben as she departed. This isn't over. I only hope Yasmin can last long enough for the tribes to merge. The over/under on that is "doubtful".
While voting, Betsy sang the COPS theme song to herself "bad boys, bad boys...whatcha gonna do...?"
Ben went with a little somethin' somethin' from Ice T's Cop Killer. "You're a bad cop...this one's for you! Pow!" (mimicked popping a cap in her head).
Somewhere in the Black Rock building at the corner of West Second St and Sixth Ave, NY City, CBS's complaint line lit up like the Fourth of July.
Betsy was voted out in a landslide. Evil Russell continues to roll and the Fao Fao tribe grows, if not weaker, more foolish each week.
See you next week on...Survivorfest!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Survivorfest 5 week 1!
Local gal Marisa falls victim to Evil Russell.
The new season of Survivorfest is off with a bang!
Initial thoughts on a couple of our contestants:
Shannon goes by the nickname "Shambo" because she was in the armed forces and wore a bandana when the movie "First Blood" came out. Plus she has a "power mullet" and when you make personal choices like that, at the very least you should get to choose your own nicknames. I really wonder how she got out of the Marines with that hair-do.
I'm told that Russell S looks like the vampire Laurent from the movie Twilight: http://tinyurl.com/kj3y8s
Betsy seems like a better cop than "Officer friendly" would lead one to believe.
Russell S sounds like Cleveland from the Family Guy. I can almost hear him say "Pete-uh...why would you eat all the tribe's bananas?"
Russell H is completely evil in all respects. He is totally my favorite from a completely game-specific point of view. If I had to deal with him in person I would probably start quietly digging a shallow grave on the beach.
Each team came ashore and was immediately told to vote on a leader. This would be the "paint a target on my back" challenge.
Russell S was voted the leader of the tribe Galu. I think it was his dreadlocks.
Mick was voted leader of the Fao Fao tribe. I wonder if he told his tongue-bathing-homeless person stories to anyone up to that point. I'm guessing not.
Ben seemed a little miffed to have not received any consideration. Since he's a hillbilly what has shot and kilt nearly everythin' around!
The first challenge, for flint, was a swim, a strength, agility and puzzle challenge.
The swimmers chosen were Jai-son and John.
People chosen for the strength portion were Russell H and Erik.
The agility participants were Marisa and Yasmin (who wears heels on Survivor? Who picks someone who wears heels thinking they would be the best choice for an agility challenge?).
The "smartest" people chosen for the puzzle challenge were Shambo and Liz. Liz was a bit put off as she felt that she was stereotyped as smart because she was Asian. If it makes you feel any better, Liz, I think you were picked because you were old, not Asian.
Mike imploded years of progress between whatever-his-ethnicity-is and African Americans by uttering "I'm surprised they picked Jaison 'cause Afro-Americans aren't known for swimmers."
Jaison bounded out to a good lead over John. On the way back up the shore he treated us all to the first blur of our game and 5 big points for anyone who has him! This was followed up a few seconds later by an impressive double blur by Marisa. Some of you may have missed Jaison's blur. I doubt anyone missed Marisa's. Sorry, no points for being second.
Russell S may not be a born leader, but he seems to be one of those irritating types who feels the need to let you know that you're doing well even when you're failing miserably.
Fao Fao wins flint! Shambo did a great job of making up time on the puzzle after Erik struggled mightily with the strength challenge. In all fairness, she should be well-experienced in assembling M-16 rifles in the dark during a fire fight, so putting a puzzle together probably isn't any more stressful.
Back at camp Russell H (now to be known as Evil Russell) shared with us his game plan:
Lie to everyone
Call all the women "dumb", thereby assuring that he will not win any vote-in money on the reunion show from the viewers
Empty out canteens at night and burn people's socks to make them miserable (nice touch)
While I respect Russell's ability to create total chaos, I think he's making the mistake of lying too much, too soon. He's going to get caught. Possibly killed. See, this is what makes for good reality TV.
He even went so far as to make up a story about being flooded out of his home in New Orleans during Katrina and losing his beloved German Shepherd. All of it a complete fabrication. Definitely no sympathy money from the viewers at home. And CBS takes another PR hit.
Ben the hillbilly was happy to tell everyone how to make camp. I keep waiting for him to say something like "you guys remember JT from last season, right? I'm JUST like him!" Mick, the elected leader, seemed more than happy to let him take charge.
At the Galu camp Russell seemed to be fervently empowering everyone as much as possible without providing any actual value.
Rocket scientist John seemed incapable of acting on a strategy. It sounded like he was actually planning an irrigation system before the tribe even had a place to sleep.
The immunity challenge was to have the tribes climb over several wooden, angled climbing walls and then pull a heavy crate over a ramp which they would then disassemble to form a puzzle out of the planks.
Going over one wall Yasmin gave herself a plank enema. Ouch, sphincter splinters!
Galu won the challenge when Fao Fao couldn't complete the puzzle. They responded with the chant "Galu is in the house! Galu is in the house!" Great. They don't have fire or shelter, but they have a chant.
Back at loser camp, Evil Russell continued to nurture his relationship with his "dumb gals". He poured it on a little too much to Marisa who said: "You've been talking with everyone...It makes me wary."
Evil Russell asked her to repeat herself "it makes me wary." As God as my witness I was waiting for him to say "well, if'n yer tired, just take a nap!"
But I think he got the point that she didn't trust him and that made her an immediate threat. Evil Russell then went around camp announcing that she had threatened him with her lack of complete trust and that she must, perforce, be voted off.
I find that liars, much more than honest people, become extremely irritated when their integrity is challenged. Wonder why that is.
Frankly, I'm not sure if Marisa was all that worried about whether she could trust Evil Russell in the game or if she was just uncomfortable with the way he kept checking her out while they talked. Uber creepy.
Betsy, to her credit, seems to have good instincts about Evil Russell. I suspect she's another week or so from digging that shallow grave on the beach I mentioned.
At council, Ashley seemed pretty laid back about the possibility of getting voted off. "It is what it is."
However, when someone mentioned that she might be the one voted off by factor of being the "weakest" she got a little hot. It's one thing to be cast off because you're a useless idiot, it's quite another to be considered out of shape. It's important for all of us to have our priorities straight.
Marisa was also irritated that she was considered "weak". She explained "there's...um...different levels of weakness..." Like mental.
In a close-ish voted, Marisa was cast out. Another quick exit for an Ohio Survivor.
Mike B was the lone person who chose Marisa as a Loveable Loser, so he takes a nice early lead in our game.
See you next week on...Survivorfest!
The new season of Survivorfest is off with a bang!
Initial thoughts on a couple of our contestants:
Shannon goes by the nickname "Shambo" because she was in the armed forces and wore a bandana when the movie "First Blood" came out. Plus she has a "power mullet" and when you make personal choices like that, at the very least you should get to choose your own nicknames. I really wonder how she got out of the Marines with that hair-do.
I'm told that Russell S looks like the vampire Laurent from the movie Twilight: http://tinyurl.com/kj3y8s
Betsy seems like a better cop than "Officer friendly" would lead one to believe.
Russell S sounds like Cleveland from the Family Guy. I can almost hear him say "Pete-uh...why would you eat all the tribe's bananas?"
Russell H is completely evil in all respects. He is totally my favorite from a completely game-specific point of view. If I had to deal with him in person I would probably start quietly digging a shallow grave on the beach.
Each team came ashore and was immediately told to vote on a leader. This would be the "paint a target on my back" challenge.
Russell S was voted the leader of the tribe Galu. I think it was his dreadlocks.
Mick was voted leader of the Fao Fao tribe. I wonder if he told his tongue-bathing-homeless person stories to anyone up to that point. I'm guessing not.
Ben seemed a little miffed to have not received any consideration. Since he's a hillbilly what has shot and kilt nearly everythin' around!
The first challenge, for flint, was a swim, a strength, agility and puzzle challenge.
The swimmers chosen were Jai-son and John.
People chosen for the strength portion were Russell H and Erik.
The agility participants were Marisa and Yasmin (who wears heels on Survivor? Who picks someone who wears heels thinking they would be the best choice for an agility challenge?).
The "smartest" people chosen for the puzzle challenge were Shambo and Liz. Liz was a bit put off as she felt that she was stereotyped as smart because she was Asian. If it makes you feel any better, Liz, I think you were picked because you were old, not Asian.
Mike imploded years of progress between whatever-his-ethnicity-is and African Americans by uttering "I'm surprised they picked Jaison 'cause Afro-Americans aren't known for swimmers."
Jaison bounded out to a good lead over John. On the way back up the shore he treated us all to the first blur of our game and 5 big points for anyone who has him! This was followed up a few seconds later by an impressive double blur by Marisa. Some of you may have missed Jaison's blur. I doubt anyone missed Marisa's. Sorry, no points for being second.
Russell S may not be a born leader, but he seems to be one of those irritating types who feels the need to let you know that you're doing well even when you're failing miserably.
Fao Fao wins flint! Shambo did a great job of making up time on the puzzle after Erik struggled mightily with the strength challenge. In all fairness, she should be well-experienced in assembling M-16 rifles in the dark during a fire fight, so putting a puzzle together probably isn't any more stressful.
Back at camp Russell H (now to be known as Evil Russell) shared with us his game plan:
Lie to everyone
Call all the women "dumb", thereby assuring that he will not win any vote-in money on the reunion show from the viewers
Empty out canteens at night and burn people's socks to make them miserable (nice touch)
While I respect Russell's ability to create total chaos, I think he's making the mistake of lying too much, too soon. He's going to get caught. Possibly killed. See, this is what makes for good reality TV.
He even went so far as to make up a story about being flooded out of his home in New Orleans during Katrina and losing his beloved German Shepherd. All of it a complete fabrication. Definitely no sympathy money from the viewers at home. And CBS takes another PR hit.
Ben the hillbilly was happy to tell everyone how to make camp. I keep waiting for him to say something like "you guys remember JT from last season, right? I'm JUST like him!" Mick, the elected leader, seemed more than happy to let him take charge.
At the Galu camp Russell seemed to be fervently empowering everyone as much as possible without providing any actual value.
Rocket scientist John seemed incapable of acting on a strategy. It sounded like he was actually planning an irrigation system before the tribe even had a place to sleep.
The immunity challenge was to have the tribes climb over several wooden, angled climbing walls and then pull a heavy crate over a ramp which they would then disassemble to form a puzzle out of the planks.
Going over one wall Yasmin gave herself a plank enema. Ouch, sphincter splinters!
Galu won the challenge when Fao Fao couldn't complete the puzzle. They responded with the chant "Galu is in the house! Galu is in the house!" Great. They don't have fire or shelter, but they have a chant.
Back at loser camp, Evil Russell continued to nurture his relationship with his "dumb gals". He poured it on a little too much to Marisa who said: "You've been talking with everyone...It makes me wary."
Evil Russell asked her to repeat herself "it makes me wary." As God as my witness I was waiting for him to say "well, if'n yer tired, just take a nap!"
But I think he got the point that she didn't trust him and that made her an immediate threat. Evil Russell then went around camp announcing that she had threatened him with her lack of complete trust and that she must, perforce, be voted off.
I find that liars, much more than honest people, become extremely irritated when their integrity is challenged. Wonder why that is.
Frankly, I'm not sure if Marisa was all that worried about whether she could trust Evil Russell in the game or if she was just uncomfortable with the way he kept checking her out while they talked. Uber creepy.
Betsy, to her credit, seems to have good instincts about Evil Russell. I suspect she's another week or so from digging that shallow grave on the beach I mentioned.
At council, Ashley seemed pretty laid back about the possibility of getting voted off. "It is what it is."
However, when someone mentioned that she might be the one voted off by factor of being the "weakest" she got a little hot. It's one thing to be cast off because you're a useless idiot, it's quite another to be considered out of shape. It's important for all of us to have our priorities straight.
Marisa was also irritated that she was considered "weak". She explained "there's...um...different levels of weakness..." Like mental.
In a close-ish voted, Marisa was cast out. Another quick exit for an Ohio Survivor.
Mike B was the lone person who chose Marisa as a Loveable Loser, so he takes a nice early lead in our game.
See you next week on...Survivorfest!
Monday, September 07, 2009
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