Survivorfest8 week 6!

Krista versus Matt on Redemption Island!

The challenge was a bit...sucky?  Grappling hook to pull back three bags to collect one ball to run through a table maze?  Pretty lame.  Krista gave Matt a run for his money, however.  For a while it almost looked like Matt was trying to throw the game.

Back at camp, Natalie and Ashley engaged in some Survivor grooming in the form of armpit hair plucking.  It's the seedier side of Survivor camp life you just don't hear much about.

Sarita seems to have a gum infection from jabbing herself with a dirty stick while trying to clean her teeth.  Man, where do I sign up for this show!?!

Phillip is back off the meds for this week's show.  He's ready for a throw down, drag out fight with Ashley over camp duties and why they won't pluck his armpit hair. 

Ashley's starting to come across as someone who can't hide it when she gets irritated at someone, which might not bode well for her long term status.

Tribe Rob really kicked the snot out of tribe former-Russell, didn't they?  Grant abused Mike like a rented mule. 

Ralph was a big help "Throw it ta meeeeeeeee!"

Dave even more so:  "You guys gotta catch it!!!"

Grant found another idol clue at the reward picnic and was studying it with Rob when Phillip busted them.  Phillip immediately dubbed the three a secret alliance and gave them all special code names.  I couldn't even make stuff like this up.  If they don't bring Crazy Phillip back for another season I'll be really disappointed.

How about an All-Crazy Survivor?  What are your favorites?  Mine would be Phillip and Coach.  The two of them together would be over the top!

Dave is starting to sound like a real ass hat at the other camp.  I find him conceited and obnoxious and I only listen to him for a few minutes a week.

They're all tired of losing, tired of Sarita complaining and tired of having Stephanie around.  Mostly tired of Stephanie as it turns out, and they voted her off.  She'll run into the Matt buzz-saw at the beginning of next week's episode. I double dog dare someone to pick her for their weekly survivor kicker!

See you next week on....Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 5!

Survivorfest week 5!

Matt and Kristina squared off on Redemption Island.  The challenge was a cube puzzle.  I swear I'd never last two minutes in Survivor the way the last few seasons have been.  Nothing but puzzles, puzzles and more puzzles.  What happened to challenges that involved swimming relays, feats of strength and women's mud wrestling?

The most entertaining part was Matt's dialogue with the observing Boston Rob while he was absolutely laying out Kristina.  I think Rob's pretty smart and he is at least a little worried about what will happen if Matt makes his way back into camp.

Turns out that Kristina sucks at puzzles, too.  Out goes the third person this season.

I like how Probst tries to keep the contestants all jazzed up:  "The winner gets to continue to fight for a chance to win a million dollars..."  I just wish he would have added:  "The loser has to spend the next three weeks hanging out with Russell at the Survivor Cabana for Early Season Losers!"

Is it just me or does it seem like someone has started to slip Phillip his medication?  He seems almost normal compared to where he was at mentally the past two episodes.  How disappointing.  He only pranced around in his plum-colored undies spear-hunting crabs a little.

It was a cold night and the tribe had to huddle together for warmth which led to this interesting exchange.

Rob:  "That dahn Phillip slept with his knee jammed inta my back awl night!"

Grant:  Um.  Dude...that wasn't his knee."

The challenge was a somewhat familiar one...a caller led his/her blindfolded tribe through a maze to collect bags of, you guessed it, puzzle pieces.  The caller then had to solve the puzzle.

Boston Rob called and solved the puzzle for his tribe, Stephanie for hers.  Turns out Stephanie is none too good at word puzzles.  I guess they didn't practice that much at Manson Manor.  Didn't want to skip mad stabbing 101, no doubt.

Boston Rob seems to have really improved his game.  He completely owns his tribe, has a hidden immunity idol and practically owns the portions of the challenges he participates in.  It'll be interesting to see if he can see the blind side when it comes.

Back at camp Rob, Grant and Rob notice an idol clue hidden in the coffee.  Rob played it masterfully.  He managed to swap that clue with the first one he used to find the idol and even helped Glen hide it.

Back at camp Russell-no-More they blamed a fun game of blamestorming over the lost challenge.  They eventually concluded that Stephanie is an idiot.  Dave concluded that from that point on, he would be responsible for all puzzles.  PERIOD!  I can't wait to see how this explodes into tragedy.

I'm telling you that weeks of hunger take their toll and make people who they truly are...Dave is going to turn into a real ass very, very soon.

Anyone else find themselves wondering if Julie could hide an immunity idol in her dimples?  There's an Internet rumor going around that Johnny Fairplay will spring out of one of them just in time for the merge.

Tribal council was pretty lame.  The only mystery was which of Russell's coven would end up getting smacked down by Matt on Redemption Island the next morning.  Strangely it ended up being Krista.

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 4!

Survivorfest week 4!

Russell was none too pleased to hit Redemption Island and find Matt waiting for him instead of Francesca.  I think he might have just been uncomfortable with all of the praying.

Phillip is still loony.  On today's show he kept himself busy by sweeping the dirt around camp at the crack of dawn.  I'm starting to wonder if CBS hit up a few mental institutions in their search for "engaging characters".  Stay tuned for next season when they turn up the dial from "harmful only to himself" to "should not be allowed access to sharp implements at any time".

Does anyone else watch Russell and his two women slaves and think of Charlie Manson?  I think Sarita's grandmother might have been Squeaky Fromme.

With Russell doing hard time on the Island, the two Russell-ettes realized they were on the outs with the rest of their tribe and declared that they needed to find an immunity idol to stay in the game.  They then went sunbathing.

In the meantime Ralph fessed up to his alliance that he had found the hidden idol Russell Hantz-style.  And like a true Russell, he just couldn't keep it to hisself.

The Redemption Island challenge started and Matt went head to head with Russell.  A true good versus evil match-up if there ever was one.

Despite a false start with his challenge Matt went on to beat Russell and send him home.  I'm not sure what disturbs me more...seeing the ultra-disruptive Russell go home so early in the game or watching him weep like a small child.  Seriously.  It was like going to hell and finding out Satan has a Precious Moments collection or something.

Not to be untrue to his nature, Russell went down bitching.  He called out everyone in his tribe for throwing the challenge just to get rid of him and mis-playing the game.

Ralph fessed up to finding the idol and started to pull it out of his bag to show it as proof until Russell reminded him how stupid he was being.  Ralph then claimed he was just foolin'.  Too late, Ralph.  Maybe it's best that Russell is gone.  I think he might have Ralph's number.

Phillip, not to be outdone, declared that his super secret government skills detected that Ralph was fibbing.  He made sure to let Probst know in case he missed it.

Back the the other camp, Boston Rob faked intestinal distress while the tribe was playing games and went back to find the hidden immunity idol.  I think at this point maybe CBS should quit giving out clues to these things and should just start hiding a handful like Easter eggs.  I don't think people really need them any more.  Ralph found his with no clues.  Russell in the past few seasons found about ten.  Boston Rob found one that had a clue something like  "it's hidden in the jungle somewhere."

Phillip came back to camp with a plan to use what he learned as leverage to keep Christine in the game so that there would be at least one weaker link than him.  Four seconds after he saw Rob he blabbed everything including his last secret government mission, his high school locker combination and his mother's social security number.  I think that, under torture, he might be able to come up with secrets that he doesn't actually even know!

Phillip has become such a cartoon character that I firmly believe that CBS has taken Rob aside and had the following conversation:

CBS guy:  Hey, Rob!  Great game so far, buddy!

BR:  Um.  Hey, what's up?  Should you be heah talkin' ta me?"

CBS guy:  "Oh, sure.  We've arranged for a tropical storm to keep the rest of your tribe over on the other side of the bay.  Plus you told them to stay."

BR:  "Yeah, dey do dat pretty good."

CBS guy:  "So the network was hoping that you could...y'know...keep old Phillip around for a while.  His crazy antics are great for ratings."

BR:  "Ah you kiddin' me?!?  He actually started humpin' my leg while I slept las' night!"

CBS guy:  "No, yeah, we get it...we were concerned something like this might happen when he quit taking his medication..."

BR:  ""Say what...?"

CBS guy:  "No, it's fine.  As long as no one actually makes eye contact or tries to take food from him, everything will be okay.  Wait, you haven't seen any dogs on the island, have you?"

BR:  "Dogs?  Naw, no dogs..."

CBS guy:  "Whew!  Good!  We can't afford to staff our PETA complaint line after last season.  So anyway, we'd reallllllly appreciate it if you could...you know...kinda not vote Phillip off.  At least for a while."

BR:  "The dude is whacko, man!  Dere is nothin' dat you can say that would make me wanna keep him around five more seconds!"

CBS guy:  "How about if you replace Jeff Probst in two seasons.  We're pretty sure he's going to make a run as a Republican presidential candidate."

BR:  "I would love to keep my man Phillip around.  You have no ideah how nice and clean the camp flooh has been dis past week!

Or something to that effect.

At the challenge Ometepe went on to prove that there was life without Russell by winning the immunity challenge.

Phillip gave his traditional post-loss pep talk.  Everyone loves those.

The votes went in and Christine was sent to Redemption Island.  That's at least two more week of Crazy Phillip, folks!

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest 8 week 2!

Good lord, won't they send ANYone home this season!?!

Francesca settled in on Redemption Island, surrounded by the skeletons of Johnny Fairplay, Coach the Dragonslayer and Boston Rob's wife Amber.  Seriously...why does else would she keep letting Rob out of the house for months at a time?

She struggled to make fire, although she had a lantern with her...that had...fire...in it...

Phillip loves him some Boston Rob.  Rob seems to recognize crazy when it hugs him tightly.

The next morning Phillip, assuring his status among the pantheon of crazy Survivor types, went spear hunting for one inch crabs.  Surprisingly, he got one.

At camp Zippity-Doo-Dar, Ralph was showing off some crazy of his own.  He managed to find a hidden idol while he was out looking for big rocks.  5 points for Ralph-owners!

I need to update my Survivor look-a-like page because I think Ralph is a dead ringer for Randy Quaid.

Matt seems to be irritating his team. In addition to lots of religiousness he showed good sportsmanship when they lost yet another immunity challenge to team Russell.  What an ass.

Russell spotted a clue to the idol in the reward basket on the way back to camp and slipped it into his pants.  Ralph spotted him and went on to call him on it.  Russell denied that he had a clue.  Ahem.

Back at camp Amoeba, Phillip addressed the losing tribe, as was his tradition.  He had a "special" meeting with Rob who told him that at the appointed hour he would indicate the person to be voted off by placing his hand on the person's shoulder at tribal council.  It was all very Judas like.

Phillip rewarded him with a big, crazy man hug that lasted entirely too long.

Matt and Andrea were getting entirely too chummy so Rob dictated the tribe to oust one of them.

Kristina played her immunity idol.

Rob betrayed Kristina just before the vote.

Phillip voted as he was told:  "This is for you and your friend (Franchesqua) lying about me and besmirching my honor...and because Rob told me to vote like this."

Matt was the odd man out and will join Francesca on Redemption Island where we can only hope that someone will get the boot.

Everyone gets a point for making it through another week.

For the Survivor kicker, everyone is still in play and we'll go yet another week before I'll need another name from anyone playing.

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest 8 - week 1: Off and running!

Welcome back to another season of....Survivorfest!

This season is starting out a little different since it has a "Redemption Island".  Based on this, gameplay will be slightly different.  I will only be removing a player from the game when they are GONE gone.  Based on this, Francesca is not our Loveable Loser.  At least not yet.

Since she still is "in the game" and can potentially win, she hasn't yet been eliminated.  Based on this same logic, no one has been eliminated from the Survivor kicker pool.  Many of you Francesca-lovers should draw a sigh of relief.

As usual I'll post weekly results on the leaderboard along with whomever was voted off:  http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/Survivorfest8.htm  Let me know if I have any of your picks listed incorrectly.

Now, on to potentially relevant but more likely immature musings on the opening night show:

Looks like I called Phil right in my pre-season bio:  http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/Survivorfest.8.bios.htm  he seems to be comprised mostly of an offal-based substance.  I hope like heck he stays in the game for a while, however.  He absolutely kills me. 

Some early Survivor Hall of Fame Quotes:

"I am a former federal agent!"
"I love women!  I'm really good with girls!"
"My mouth is dry, but I've been getting treatment!"
"If I stand here in my fuchsia tightie underwear and tell you that I am telling the truth, then, on my honor as a former federal agent, you can be assured that there is not a greater truth to be told!"

Okay, I made that last line up but you must admit it sounds rather plausible.

Phillip is a cartoon character.

Matt the genius showed up for the game in a suit.  Genius. Hah! It looks like it didn't even fit.

I loved the reception that Rob and Russell got when they arrived on the beach:

"Yeaaaaa! It's Boston Rob!"
"Oh.  It's...Russell.  Drat."

Speaking of Russell, it looks like he got hisself a fancy new tattoo!  I'm not sure, but I think it's a tattoo of himself.

Kristina took a page from Russell's book and went out and found an idol, winning any Kristina owners 5 points.  Those CBS guys have GOT to start hiding them better.  She made one of the first cardinal sins of Survivor and told people she found it.

I spotted the first blur from Natalie the pole dancer (another 5 points!).  I think she might be wearing her underwear backwards.  If you believe someone else was sporting a blur earlier than Natalie's walk up the beach, please shout out before next week's show airs and I'll check the DVR.

Russell's tribe (Zapatera?) seems to be more physically inclined than Rob's and won the first challenge.

Kristina was ready to use the idol to blindside Rob early but Phil, for reasons that are somewhat unclear, decided to blab literally everything at tribal council.  He hung Francesca and Kristina out to dry in one of the most awkward tribal councils I've ever seen.

Francesca ended up on the raw end of the vote and was moved to Redemption Island.  We'll see how long she sticks around.

Since no one was completely removed from the game, all players received a point for surviving the first week of the show.

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 10!!

Queen Brenda meets the guillotine!

Fresh from tribal council, Brenda and Sash are revelling in their role as King and Queen of the game.  Brenda weighed in with this Hall Of Fame quote:  "We're like the king and queen of Survivor...well, Sash is more like the queen..."  I thought we had that whole straight/gay thing figured out weeks ago, thanks to Shannon!

Holly has begun to see the writing on the wall.  She's come a long way in my opinion since the early days.  I love to see someone trying to improve their position in the game rather than just playing along, doing what they're told and hoping someone will invite them into the final vote.  I really hate that a few people have actually won a million dollars that way because it encourages others to do the same thing.

Jane also sees trouble on the horizon.  She began speaking to NaOnka about clearing house with Brenda or Sash.  Ironically she said "I hate playing with villains!  I don't like 'em in real life and I don't like 'em in this game!"  You're speaking with NaOanka, lady!  She stole your food, stole Fabio's socks, cursed out Marty and abused a handicapped woman!

Before heading to the reward challenge the tribe decided to protect the campfire by blocking all sides of it with their wooden chests filled with supplies.  Hmmmm.  Do they understand how fire works?  Cue ominous background music, because this won't end well.

The reward challenge was to have two teams travel across an expanse of sand using only barrels and planks.  If any of the team touched the ground, they would need to begin again.

The teams were divided by schoolyard pick.  Oddly they didn't show the pick taking place.  I'm always enthralled by who gets picked first and last and the thoughts of the "captains".  Alas, we didn't get to see any of that.

Chase, Jane, NaOnka, Fabio and Kelly had immediate success eschewing the use of all the barrels. They quickly made their way across the sand while the other team struggled to make it a few feet.  To add to the disaster they also fell off and had to restart.

Further, Prost was off the drink again and spent most of the challenge mocking them:

"Dan can barely crawl on his two bad knees!"
"Dan smashes his hand!"
"Nice strategy, Brenda...that'll work...for about a minute."
"Benry makes the ceremonial loser's dismount!"

The reward was to visit an active volcano and slide down the edge of it.  That doesn't really sound like a reward.  Surviving the active volcano, maybe.

They appeared to enjoy the slide, however, suited up in hazmat outfits, goggles and traveling at about 10 mph over a gravel like surface that would easily rip flesh from bone.  Where do I sign up?

Afterward the group enjoyed a picnic of pizza, soda and brownies.  Probably tasted extra yummy with all the ash floating around.

They had a nice chat about who was running things at camp.  Fabio was surprised to learn that Brenda was in charge. Really, dude?  You know it's not still Marty, right?

When confronted with the plan to oust Brenda, he was impressed:  "Wow...that's for real for real..."

You could tell that this made Fabio think hard because he kept rubbing his chin in that way that dullards like to do to make them look smart and contemplative.

Back at camp, the remainder of the tribe learned that wood does, in fact, burn.  The campsite they had left had been reduced mostly to ashes.  Personally I suspect the cameramen, but I can't prove it.

Brenda:  "How did that happen!?!"  One of the mysteries of the universe, I guess. 

To the tribe's credit, no one started blaming anyone for what has to be one of the silliest mistakes in Survivor history.

Even when the rest of the tribe returned, they took the turn of events pretty well.

Chase couldn't wait to get back so he could squeal about the plan to his pal Brenda.

"I trust Brenda!  I put my game plan in her."  Um, okay.  I guess every man has a name for it...Hadn't heard that one before.

Chase's diarrhea of the mouth continued.  Not only did he squeal to Brenda, but he pretty much told everyone that he did it, too.

Immunity challenge was of the endurance variety.  Hold onto a rope at an angle until you can't take it any more and then you fall into the water that Fabio peed in.

Sash and Kelly (why-is-she-still-purple?) were out almost immediately.  Usually the tiny, thin girls do best at challenges like these, but Brenda, Kelly and Sash were out pretty quickly.

Chase and Benry started howling at each other, which was kind of funny.

It came down to Chase and Jane to see who was the better man.  Jane was going to give in, but Probst laid into her about not being a sissy.  Plus Chase kept wanting to talk about his feelings and that just made her angry.

In the end Chase fell out first and Jane won immunity again.

At council, Brenda was truly playing the part of queen.  She indicated that she had no interest in voting Marty out, but since her alliance desired it, she averred.  She also refused to "scramble" or votes once she found out that her name was at the top of everyone's list.

She mentioned that Nay seemed to be at the front of it all and how disappointed she was that her friend had betrayed her.

Probst prodded Nay on why she did it.  Nay, ever petulant, claimed it wasn't her idea and tried to throw Chase under the bus.

Probst asked Kelly what her 20 years of wisdom told her about the situation:  "My twenty years of wisdom, yeah.  I think that....Um....I'm learning things!"  I suspect Kelly took a special, shortish bus to school.  Chances are it was purple.

The votes went in and everyone with the exception of clueless Kelly and her queen voted for Brenda.

Next week:  Kellie reveals what she has learned...hot fire can burn things!  Next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 9!

Marty Farty hits the road!

Fresh from tribal council, NaOnka reveals that she thinks that Marty was too hard on Jane.  She couldn't believe that he was all up in her grill and stuff.  It's not like he threatened to rip off her prosthetic leg and throw it in the fire or something.  Sheesh.

Jane has officially dubbed Marty as Mr. Farty.  I think that really says it all.

Marty tried to rally the troops around a new plan of action:  Get Jane.  Really, that was about it.  Not much of a plan, really, just get her.  Get her good.

Jane thinks that he's just worried for his own safety in the game.  I had trouble following this metaphor "Marty's gotta noose around his neck waiting for the hatchet man to come cut the rope."  Um.  Wouldn't that be good news?  I know if I were hanging by a noose I'd want someone to come along and chop it...

The reward challenge was an obstacle course patterned after the Three Little Pigs.  One wall was made of straw, one of bamboo sticks and one of bricks. There were some obstacle courses to crawl through on the way to each wall. The first team through each wall and obstacle would collect keys to unlock a series of padlocks.  Winning team would get a zipline tour of Nicaragua and a barbecue.

They did a random draw and oddly the teams came out men versus women.  There was a collective slapping sound from the boardroom at CBS.  Just when I think they don't rig these things....

Chase was the odd man out.  He was given the opportunity to pick which team he thought would win and would join them on reward if he was correct.  He chose to side with the women.

The women held up pretty well through the straw wall.  The men took a distinct advantage at the bamboo wall, and it was all over but the shouting by the time they reached the brick wall.

Jane completely ran out of gas on the way to the brick wall.  Even if they had the time and the bulk to break through I suspect they would've had to carry her to the finish line.

Afterward the men were given the option to swap one of their team for one of the women who they thought "deserved' the trip.  That seemed kind of stupid.  I can't conceive of any reason why anyone on the team would willingly sit out the reward.  Plus, how would the team know who on the other team "deserved" to go when they were obviously too busy performing their own challenge to notice.  Makes no sense.

Needless to say, they declined.

Was Chase a fool for siding with the women for such a difficult challenge?  Of course not, because he was thinking with little Chase!  If the women won, he would enjoy reward with a bunch of women.  If they lost, he got to go back to camp, you guessed it, with a bunch of women!  Young, single men are trained to think this way. In many ways, he is a hero.

As always, too much of a good thing is rarely a good thing.  Back at camp Chase began to turn into a woman.  He kept asking Brenda about her feelings and wondered why they didn't talk any more...serious loss of man points.

At the reward, the men enjoyed the high altitude zipline.  Except Dan, who looked like he was ready to have a coranary.

At the barbecue Mr. Farty was back to his Get Jane plan.  I think if we put Marty on Breast Cancer Awareness we might have that stuff stamped out in a couple of months.

The Immunity Challenge was a memory game.  I figured this would appear in an old versus young season, but several weeks too late to do most of the oldies any good.  Probst showed a series of images in order and the players were to repeat them one at a time.

Jane and Nay washed out almost immediately when they couldn't remember their own names.  I think Nay knew, she just didn't want to be Probst's bitch.

Dan was out when he displayed an image that wasn't event included in the series.  I can only assume he didn't check it before he showed it.  He really should have been out three or four weeks ago.

The gang whittled down to Brenda and Marty.  Marty seemed to be keeping pace with some sort of Rainman routine.  Brenda had that memory thing that makes me think she doesn't forget ANYthing. Eventually Marty slipped up and Brenda won immunity.

Back at camp, the scheming began.  There were the usual obfuscations about who would be voting for whom.  This led to a wonderful exchange between Fabio and Benry, who were discussing how to "lay low" that week.

Fabio:  "I hate playing stupid so much.  But I guess that's the smart thing to do..."
Benry:  "It's easy!"

Marty went around spreading the word that Nay was going home so he could try to blindside Jane.  Really, Mr. Farty?  After the hissy fit you threw the night before, no one is buying it.

Marty told Brenda the Get Jane plan.  He also mentioned that it was Sash's idea.

Brenda asked Sash what his plan was and he said "my plan is whatever your plan is..."  I'm glad someone in this game is thinking.

Dan spent the whole day looking perpetually shocked by everything he saw and heard.  I suspect he was just amazed that he was still in the game.  I know I am.

At council, Probst asked about the whole stealing food thing.  NaOnka indicated that she wasn't there to talk about the past.  She declared herself a "humanitarian" which I believe she meant as an excuse for fallibility.  Or maybe she was just getting reallllllly hungry if you know what I mean.

Nay also mentioned her disgust of all things Marty.  His hair, his walk, the way he uses up oxygen.  It really digressed into f-bombs and fingers at that point. 

I think if NaOnka can survive this tribal council behaving like this, she's a sure-fire candidate for the final three.  She would literally have to murder someone at this point in order to get voted out.  And even then it might depend on who she killed.

The votes went in and Mr. Farty went out in a landslide.

Next week, NaOnka takes a dump in everyone's sleeping bags!  And still doesn't get voted out!