Survivorfest week 9!

Randy makes a graceful exit from Nobag!


Back from council, the non-power play portion of the Nobag tribe wanted to know why they voted off Charlie. The reply: "He was the biggest of the big threat! Charlie? "...And a good sport!" The bastard. No wonder they voted him off.


Bob took Sugar aside and fessed up that he hadn't found the idol and that he had decided to make one of his own. Why to people keep doing that? Is there something about being segregated on a remote land with too little food that makes people want to blab about everything?


Time for a Survivor auction. Each contestant was given $500 to bid on items. Evidently what they don't spend they get to keep, since Corinne said "Nothing tastes better than $500...except a million dollars!" It's hard to argue with that.


Randy won the first item. A bowl of peanuts and three cold beers for $150. I'm not sure what the going rate in Gabon is, but I've been in a few pubs where that is a true bargain.


Kenny spent $340 on a mystery item, which was a trip to Exile Island for someone of his choice, and he got to keep their money. He chose Bob and sent him away. He had the option to send himself, ostensibly to look for the hidden idol. Hint, hint, Randy.


Sugar bought another mystery item and was rewarded with chocolate and peanut butter.


Susie won a hot bath and clean clothes. Oddly she spent all of five minutes in the bath before getting out. I guess it is kinda weird to bathe in public in front of a bunch of other people. I know I don't care for it.


Randy jokingly offered $100 to bathe her. I think Susie was willing to pay $300 to have him not do it. I'll chip in $300 just because that isn't the kind of image I want to take to bed with me tonight.

Matty bought a cheeseburger and fries.


Corinne bought a mystery item that she was to open at the immunity challenge. More on this later.


Randy won a mystery item that turned out to be spaghetti and wine. He's going to be stuffed and drunk.


Randy bought the last mystery item. Turned out to be a tray of cookies that he had to share with the tribe. His first question, of course, was "Can I keep 'em all for myself?" No, Randy.


He offered them to each individual and everyone grudgingly took one except Sugar. When he asked her again, she took the last one and gave it away. That didn't sit too well with Randy.

"Sugar! She can kiss my ass!" Again, not an image I want to take to bed.

Randy decided to take the high road at this point "I'm gonna burn the house down!"


Sugar: "I've never seen a grown man get so mad over a chocolate chip cookie." Well, she clearly needs to get out more. I have it on the best authority that it was a missing chocolate cookie that led to Stalin's Great Purge.


Randy didn't appreciate that everyone wasn't falling all over themselves at his forced generosity: "I was treated like a dog!" I'm pretty sure Stalin said the same thing...right before the hangings.


Bob, back at Exile, decided to take another shot at finding the idol rather than choosing comfort. He was disappointed to find that he got nothing more than the second clue that he had already found. He spent the rest of his Exile trip wandering the savannah aimlessly.


My wife suspected that he would be rewarded by getting eaten by a tiger or something.


Randy has settled on a new plan: He's going to act like a total ass and make everyone's life miserable. Wait, I thought that was the old plan.

Ah, phase two of "Operation Strong Arm" would be to hope that Bob will return from Exile Island with the hidden idol. And then Randy will persuade Bob to give him the idol.


Corrine: "That's a great plan!" You've gotta be kidding me. I thought last season's grand strategy to have Eric give up immunity "as a show of faith" was a bad idea, but at least that had a minusule chance of succeeding.


Randy to Matty: "You've been whoring yourself out!" At this point Randy was bouncing around like an angry drunk on a bender.


Randy's plan seemed to be working. Crystal "He is wreaking havoc in the Nobag tribe!" Try to say that out loud without giggling. I dare you.


The immunity challenge is an obstacle course. The first two to complete the course would get to compete in the second phase of the challenge.


Corrine opened the prize she won at auction and was rewarded with a free pass for the first part of the challenge.

Kenny and Matty took an early lead and never looked back. Crystal and Sugar, predictably, sucked. Both spent more time falling off of the balance beam than a drunk gymnast. I'm not sure what happened to Randy. I don't even remember seeing him in this challenge. Maybe he was THAT sure of this great plan.


Matty, Corrine and Kenny squared off for the second phase of the challenge. Each contestant would stack their puzzle pieces like dominos while navigating a system of trip wires designed to knock over the puzzle pieces. The first to set up all the pieces and successfully knock them all over in order would win.


Kenny moved through the wires like a spider monkey, although he did lose some time when he knocked some of his puzzle down. All three finished their puzzles and set them off at the same time. Only Kenny's completed, winning him the challenge and immunity.


Back at camp, Randy shared the results of his rampage "I'm 75% sure that I need the idol". I think it's more like 175%, champ.


Sugar took Bob aside and talked him into giving Randy the fake idol. It's kind of funny since I think only Randy and Corinne seemed to be unaware that Sugar had it.


Corinne caught up with Bob, as well. "You found the idol, right? You should give it to Randy!"


Bob casually flipped out his fake idol when he and Randy were alone in the hut. He was all like "oh yeah, I got this little old thing."


Randy was able to talk him into handing over the "idol".

Really, Randy...you didn't pause for a moment to wonder why Kenny decided not to send himself to Exile Island and instead picked Bob, someone who wasn't even in his power play?


Randy was so pleased to get it that he told Bob that he'd make sure to vote for him if he ended up on the jury. "The hit is on Susie!!" He was so happy he was practically quaking.


At tribal council, Probst made sure to bring up the cookie incident.


Susie indicated that she felt sorry for Randy because he was clearly mentally disturbed. Randy thought that being felt sorry for was just another way of saying "you're pathetic."


Sugar let it all out while she was voting for Randy. "You are a dysfunctional, idiot-brained, bigot who deserves a slow death of creeping rot." Or something like that.


Randy on voting for Susie "This isn't strategic...this is strictly personal."


Whereas most people whisper their little comments, Crystal actually screamed hers. "I hate you, Randy, die, die, die!!!"


Probst asked if anyone had immunity and Randy pulled out the fake idol.


He probably should have known something was up by the way half the tribe was guffawing. Crystal definitely does not have what you'd call a "poker face".

Probst disdainfully declared that the idol was fake and tossed it into the fire, much to the horror of Randy and Corinne and the 8,000 people who would have bid on it after the end of the season on eBay.


Marcus and Charlie were laughing it up on the jury bench, but I think the last laugh was on them. They'd have to be hanging around with a really pissed off Randy at Survivor lodge for the next few weeks.


One last note about Randy. I found it interesting that the one act in the game that he seemed honestly happy and humble about was in receiving the fake idol. I'm pretty sure that's not going to turn around his sour personality any time soon.

My wife declared this was her favorite single episode of Survivor. I think that's mostly because she doesn't like Randy.

Next week, Bob indicates that the late, great Marcus might have palmed the hidden immunity idol that they chucked out to sea and hidden it somewhere around camp.

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Week 8 results!

Charlie makes the third blindside in a row!

This episode started with a rehash of Randy's general hatred toward humanity, particularly Crystal.

Kenny was gloating over his role in blind-siding Marcus: "The Crystal in me came out!" Good, then maybe you guys will win a challenge now.

Bob, who wasn't in on the blindside, knows he's in deep if his tribe goes to council again soon. With Kenny, Crystal, Susie and Corinne on his side, he'd better get busy.

Bob: "It looks like I'm history...even though I teach science. That's a little joke." I'll make the snarky comments here, Bob.

As an aside, I really hate it when people pronounce "from the get go" as "from the gecko". It makes me think of a Geico commercial.

At the reward challenge, the other tribe was shocked to find that Marcus had been voted off. Charlie and Corinne were absolutely distraught. Matty was grinning like an idiot.

The tribe started arguing over the relative merits of voting Marcus off. They claimed he "didn't deserve it". Susie: "we all deserve it!" Some of you more than others, Susie.

The reward challenge was a game of Survivor golf using large slingshots and over-sized balls. Insert your own Randy joke here.

I must say, that the "drives" by the players were straighter than mine usually are.

Kota won the first round.

Fang tied it up in the second round with a great second shot that landed just short of the hole.

Third round and Fang dropped the ball right next to the hole, forcing Kenny to hit a 30 foot "putt" to have a chance. He didn't make it and Randy, Matty and Charlie lined up for a "gimme" putt.

At this point Randy and Matty had an argument about the way to approach the shot. Matty actually "shushed" Randy, which didn't go over too well. Charlie tried to be a peacemaker, but the other two were too headstrong. Eventually Randy relented and let Matty take the shot his way, which he dropped in for the win.

Randy's got to be a joy to go golfing with. I'm certain he'd fume after every slice and taunt you at every turn. I would like to see a reality TV show where we spends a season as Tiger Woods' caddy.

The tribe chose Bob to go to Exile in the hopes that he would find the hidden idol.

For reward, the tribe got to go to a Gabonese town and enjoy a feast with dancing.

And, evidently, ritual bathing. Corinne: " They started beating us with leaves and stripping off our clothes" Just like every other Saturday night back home, huh, Corinne?

Charlie was still distraught over losing Marcus: "We were really good friends...who will do our thinking for us?" Sounds like a line from Casablanca.

The dancing at the feast seemed to be typical native stuff...Electric Slide, Macarena and the Hustle.

Randy: "I think one of 'em liked me. I haven't had a woman come on to me in twenty years!" Here's hoping for twenty more, Randy!

Matty danced like a drunken frat boy.

I was laughing to myself about the garb they dressed the tribe in. It looked like fancy hula skirts. At this point my oldest said "I wonder if they get to keep those outfits..." Good taste in clothes must skip a generation. I'll let you decide which generation it skipped.

Back at camp, Kenny managed to maroon himself in the middle of the lagoon in a canoe. I think he was reminiscing about his time in the challenge with the boats and the water polo game. Spinning in a circle.

He eventually got back to the shore with his fish. He was pretty happy with the situation: "I'm the only man at Kota with two very beautiful women!" Eesh. I'm not sure if he was being charitable or if he has vision problems. How long do you need to spend in the jungle before you look at Susie and say "oooooh, yeah. I need me a piece of that!"

He further indicated: If people want to take me out, I'll take them out!" He's such a gangsta.

At Exile, Bob searched for the idol. Eventually he found the hiding spot and determined that Sugar had found it before him. He took a page out of Yau-Man and Ozzie's book and made an idol of his own.

Actually, it looked really good. Better than Ozzie's Mr. Stick man, anyway.

Those of you who missed tonight's episode were spared the site of Bob wading through the river in bicycle shorts. There are some things you can't un-see.

At the immunity challenge, Probst announced that the tribe would now merge and that the challenge would be fire-starting for individual immunity.

Randy opined: "Crystal couldn't start a fire with a book of matches and a gallon of gasoline." He's like a Survivor Hall of Fame quote machine!

He also has several pet nicknames for Crystal: Sasquatch and T-Rex. It wouldn't surprise me if the two of them got married after this season. You heard it here first.

Surprisingly, Susie was the first to make flame.
Matty hacked himself. Should be interesting to see if that festers.
Sugar made flame next.
No one else even got a fire started. Susie burned through her rope first to win immunity!

Somewhere, Yau-Man watched Bob fail to make fire, swore and turned off his TV in disgust.

Back at the combined camp, the tribe found ample food and the tribe started to work out their strategies.

Randy to Charlie: "Have you heard anything about anything?"

Sugar was, once again, the big swing vote. Both factions worked her over for her vote.

Turns out that Kenny harbored a grudge against Charlie for screwing with the clue he found at last week's feast. Evidently Charlie blurted out the clue Kenny had, which led to Randy finding the idol and Marcus getting everyone to toss it out to sea.

He spread a rumor that Charlie was, in fact, the brains behind the operation and was pulling the strings. Surprisingly, everyone believed him.

Kenny: "I'm like a rat, chewing in the corner...chchchchchhch!" Indeed.

The tribe was responsible for coming up with a new tribe name and a flag. I think I would hate this. It's like some weird team-building event at work.

They settled on Nobag, which is Gabon backwards. And sounds kinda dirty. For what it's worth, the President of Gabon spelled backwards is Ognob. Also sounds slightly dirty.

At tribal council Probst did his best to restart the fight between Randy and Matty. When that didn't work, he stirred up Randy and Crystal.

Crystal went a little diva on us and started referring to herself in the third person. I think that really drove Randy into a tizzy and he told her off, blaming her for all the tribe losses up to that point. He wasn't far from wrong, I think.

During the voting, Randy wrote down Crystal as "C.C." Jeff would later make him validate his vote, since he wasn't clear. This is an interesting point, because, in theory, he could have made something up and changed his vote after seeing other votes. Something to remember in case you make the game some day.

When Randy wrote down her name he uttered "Bitch!" I knew who he meant.

Sugar was already crying. She hadn't even cast her vote yet!

Charlie wrote down Crystal's name: You took out Marcus and now I'll scratch your eyes out, bitch!" Okay, I made that up.

Charlie was blindsided in a close vote over Crystal. Marcus was not pleased. Possibly because that meant that he and Charlie would be attached at the hip at the resort for the next several weeks. "Time for another massage, Marcus?" "Isn't the merlot simply divine?" "Does this hula skirt make my ass look big?"

Frankly I think Charlie knew something was up and wrote his own name down.

Points awarded tonight were for Susie winning individual immunity and Charlie for going to the jury.

Next week, Randy and Crystal are back at it!

Survivorfest week 7!

Marcus runs afoul of a tribe reorg!

First things first. Due to a DVR problem I missed the first 15 minutes or so of this week's episode, so I'm a little confused about the start.

The replay of the episode on the CBS site started with both tribes together at a feast where an individual immunity was hidden. Randy predicted he would find it in about twenty seconds, and it turned out he was right. At that point, Randy offered up the immunity to anyone who wanted it. Strangely no one took it.

I assume this is because they assumed that the tribes were now merged and anyone taking the offered immunity would be putting a large bulls eye on their back.

As it was, no one took immunity and Randy and Marcus tossed it into the ocean.

Unless someone can make a compelling argument against it, I will award Randy points for discovering hidden immunity even though he ended up throwing it away. Let me know before this week's show if you have a counter-argument for consideration.

Randy was feeling rather full of himself: "With all due respect to President Bongo, I am the king of Gabon!"

You may find it strange to learn that there is, indeed, a President Bongo. His first name is Omar. I would have been very happy to have learned that it was Ongo, but you can't have everything.

President Bongo is currently the longest running leader of a country, excluding monarchies. So there.

As an aside, why is it that whenever someone says "with all due respect" they always follow it with something less than respectful?

After discarding the idol, the group reconvened to read their next instructions. Counter to expectations, they did not merge as a tribe. In fact they chose stones that would determine which tribe they would reunite as.

I'm glad this game has no rules surrounding performance of tribes, because there's no way to catch up with all the changes this season. I have no idea at this point who is on Kota and who is on Fang.

Randy offered: "Susie is crazy and stupid and that's a bad combination." Hmm. That's hard to argue with.

Susie, had other thoughts: "I might swing with Kenny and Crystal..." I didn't realize it was that kind of an island.

Marcus professed that he didn't need the immunity idol, because of his strong alliances. I can understand not wanting to take an offered idol and mark yourself, but I can't see not needing an idol...

Back at the new Kota (I think), the tribe made acquaintances using the age-old Gabon tradition of fist-bumping. Watching Bob fist-bump Crystal may have sent race relations back two hundred years.

Somehow Charlie managed to keep his chipper attitude, even though he was separated from his BFF Marcus.

Sugar found out from Matty that Ace had not intended to cross her the previous week, and that she'd been duped. She and Matty declared an alliance at that point. Matty should be concerned.

Randy wondered aloud if they should attempt to throw the next challenge and vote off Matty. There's precedent for this, of course...the great Billy vote off of Cook Island. But that was early in the season. It seems a little late to be playing cute games like that.

The challenge is an endurance challenge, where the contestants hold up two unsupported poles, one in each hand. The last tribe to have a member holding the poles would avoid tribal council.

Unsurprisingly, Crystal was done after approximately one nanosecond. Honestly, has there ever been a Survivor more inept at challenges than Crystal with the possible exception of Chet from last season? And Chet didn't have the background of being an Olympic frickin' athlete. How has this woman not been voted off yet?

Sugar was out next, followed by Susie. No surprises there.

Corinne and Randy went out simultaneously. Matty appeared to be zoned out in some sort of Zen happy place.

Kenny lasted longer than I would have expected. Marcus was out next.

Charlie dropped out. Bob and Matty were the only ones left. Matty started working the mental angle "ain't no shame, Bobby boy!"

Probst seemed interested at this point and cautioned Bob not to listen to anyone else, even him.

Marcus tried trash-talking with Matty to distract him. Matty played along and came perilously close to losing his grip. Eventually Matty outlasted Bob, to bring a much-needed win for his tribe.

My wife found it humorous that the tribe had poor Bob carry the flag back to camp. Poor slob must've had his arms stretched down to his ankles.

Back at camp, the lobbying started...when Kenny found out he might be on the outs with the rest of the tribe, he seemed ready to cry. Absolutely devastated.

But, alas, the threat of Marcus reuniting with his previous alliance was too much of a concern and they voted him off, making him the first member of the jury.

Next week, all eyes are on Kenny as he makes his move!

See you on the next....Survivorfest!