Survivorfest FInale!

Another wild and wooly finish to Survivorfest!

We started off with a rehash of the season to date, the highlight for me was Erinn: "I didn't come here so people at home would be proud of me...I want a million dollars!"

Stephen thinks he might have hurt his chances with the jury by betraying Coach.

Stephen: "I'm loyal to JT, but I'm also loyal to myself...and a million dollars."

Immunity challenge was a spider-shaped maze that players would go through to get puzzle pieces that they would use make a puzzle.

JT took a quick lead, gathered all his pieces first and started on his puzzle with a significant lead.

The puzzle was difficult and Stephen and Erinn soon caught up. JT finished his puzzle just ahead of Erinn. That was a close one...I wasn't quite ready for pigs to start flying.

Back at camp, Erinn tried a subtle tact to get JT and Stephen to vote Taj off. "You know, JT...Stephen was saying how going up against you in the vote would be like suicide."

She cleverly didn't tell JT that Stephen was thinking about voting JT off should he not have won the challenge. She waited for JT to ask her. Don't want to look to conniving.

Stephen to JT: "Taj believes we'll take her to the final two." Um...I think that's because both of you told her that you would.

At council, Coach still had his Dragon Cane. I suspect he'll be using it to walk around with after the game is over. Assuming he doesn't auction it off. It looks like he's been working on it quite a bit.

Taj was blindsided! I guess Eddie is going to get his sugar a little early.

Back at camp, JT is already regretful for turning on Taj.

Especially when Erinn won't shut the heck up about it. Both Stephen and JT are ready to kill her.

The remaining three took the Survivor walk of fame for the season. This is one of my favorite parts, especially when they try to remember something about some of the people who were voted off early. Like their names.

"Oh, the duuuude. Yeah. He was great. I totally miss him."

The next immunity challenge was a ball chute. Multiple balls rolling around on a track with two potential exit points. Once a ball hit the ground, the player was out.

Erinn dropped out first.

Stephen had a fatal flaw in his strategy. He knelt down to be more comfortable, but he had his hand sideways. This caused him to struggle with catching the ball. Eventually he fumbled one too many and JT went on to win immunity (again).

The win made Stephen happy. Now he didn't have to decide whether he would betray JT.

Erinn started working this angle with JT. Wouldn't it be easier to win if you took me? No one liked me from my tribe anyway.

Stephen argued that he would win jury points for sticking with him and that he was going to win anyway.

At council, Probst wondered if JT should choose morals over a million.

Since JT's voted was the only one that counted, he was the only one who got to vote. He chose to stick with Stephen. Erinn out!


The Warrior and the Wizard would continue on to the final jury vote.

The jury came in to provide their final questions to Stephen and JT.

Coach sprung from the jury and killed the both of them before being dragged down while screaming "I slayed the dragons!!!!" Just kidding. But would you have been surprised?

The two argued before the jury:

Stephen: Vote for me because I learned so much from the game. JT was already good at this stuff. I became something of an outdoorsman.

JT: I'm a goober, but I worked my butt off and you usually vote guys like me off early.

I think the only questions from the jury worth mentioning were, you guessed it: Coach.

"I'm proud to see the Warrior and the Wizard here!" He then proceeded to rehash his litany of Coach-isms like "iron sharpens iron" and something about dragon-slaying. My wife wondered aloud how he could remember all of them. I think it's repetition. Years from now we'll find out that Coach was brain damaged in a soccer accident and is capable of speech only in abstract macho-istic blurts. You heard it here first.

Taj whimpered about how dismayed she was at being blind-sided in favor of Erinn. Interestingly it got Stephen and JT to start sniping at each other a little. My wife thought they looked like an old married couple at that point.

I guess there are no friends in the shadow of a million smackaroos.

JT clearly was having doubts about his decision to keep Stephen in the final vote. I'm not entirely sure he'll be able to last long enough to hear the final vote....back in the studio!

I always liked the season where they air-lifted Probst in a helicopter to the final vote show. My wife thinks that they used up their air lift by flying Joe out.

At the final vote Stephen elected to keep his beard and JT looked much cleaner. I think he got his hair styled. Funny to see them all cleaned up after 30+ days of looking like skanks.

The winner needed four votes to win the million. JT won in a unanimous vote for only the second time in Survivor history.

As a celebration JT's family slaughtered a calf on the spot and started a barbeque for the entire studio audience.

The after-interviews are always a hoot, now that everyone has kind of made friends again and have started doing damage control at the advice of their new agents.

Evidently everyone still hates Sierra and she still can't figure out why. It's bad news when you're in tears at the after-show.

Tyson continued to dress in a green shirt that made him look like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. My wife thinks it made him look like he had boobs. I loved the peach-fuzz mustache. It reminded me of junior high.

Coach refused a CBS-sponsored lie detector test to determine if he was really captured by natives in the Amazon, but secretly took one of his own. Predictably it showed that he was, indeed, the second coming of Chuck Norris.

Coach brought his assistant trainers (he can afford more than one friend now), the writer of his upcoming book (I can't wait) and a "lady friend" straight from Escorts-R-Us. To make sure he didn't look too much like a loser.

I hope you all enjoyed the latest version of Survivorfest. I'll be back in the fall with another round. Assuming CBS doesn't sue the crap out of me between now and then. With any luck I'll throw in a copy of Coach's new book for the winner.

The final standings were such:

1st - Tony
2nd - Machelle (tied for first in points, but sadly picked Tyson for an early exit)
3rd - Geri

Loveable Loser - Glenda (who uttered the Survivorfest hall of fame quote: "I guess sometimes it pays to be a loser." I want to have that tattooed on my arm.

See you next season on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 12!

The Dragon Slayer is slain!

Before we get started I just wanted to announce that, based on advice from my informal financial advisor (thanks, Ed!) I've elected to include ads with my blog. In keeping with good web-based tradition I will refrain from including unrelated topical terms such as:


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Should any of the ad links on the page attract your interest, please feel free to click on them and buy anything they suggest. It's for the good of the economy.

Fresh from tribal council, Coach was pleased to be surrounded by no one but warriors...and Stephen...and Taj...and Erinn.


But he was quite distraught when he found out that his former ally, Debbie, had planned to blindside him in the last council. "I was like a lamb being led to the slaughter!"

He was happy to learn that his pals had "mounted an attack to save him."

Alas, Coach knew he was no longer in control of the game.

Coach has started wearing his buff in a weird way...Does anyone else think he's starting to look like Papa Smurf? http://www.costumzee.com/view/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/papa_smurf.jpg

PICTURES OF CUTE KITTENS

Turns out Coach is ailing. In addition to asthma, his back is injured. I suspect his idiot assistant who paid him what appeared to be a conjugal visit last week.

In conversation with JT and Stephen, Coach started to try to weasel his way out of going to Exile. As it turns out, Coach is one of the only ones who hasn't been to Exile. And JT, I believe.

Reward challenge was a race through a Survivor-shaped maze with their feet shackled. Once through the maze players would tie sticks together until they had a long enough pole to retrieve a sandbag on a rope. They would use the sandbag to knock over three beams. First one wins reward.

JT led the pack through the maze. Coach followed him closely, with Erinn right behind. The others decided to try their own path through the maze.

JT quickly made it all the way through. Coach was right behind him and the two of them were soon at work on tying their sticks together. Somewhere on the way Erinn evidently got lost. She came out of the maze with Stephen and Taj several minutes later.

JT finished extending his pole, reached the rope and knocked his targets down one, two, three. If you think I'm going to take this opportunity to make a rude observation about the phallic nature of this challenge...you're absolutely right.


JT asked for a volunteer for Exile. When none was forthcoming he chose Coach. To ease the blow, he told him it was time to man up and sacrifice. It was like throwing gas on a fire.

Coach indicated that he was not only pleased to take a turn in Exile, but he was going to take a monastic approach...no fire, sleep or food.

Erinn, called him out right then and there, claiming that if he starved himself he would then have an excuse to lose at the immunity challenge. Mostly I think she was tired of his crap.

Coach refuted her accusations and shared that he was experiencing asthma issues and had multiple ruptured discs in his back. He further offered to let anyone who disbelieved him, "hit him with their best shot, Pat Benatar!"

Some of you young folks out there (Mike) might be unfamiliar with the career of Pat Benatar. I like to think of her as the Susan B. Anthony of 80's rock. Love IS a battlefield, girl! I'm pretty sure I could ill-afford the number of man points that just cost me.

JT was allowed to take only one person with him on reward and chose Stephen. Taj and Erinn seemed happy to go back to camp as long as it was without Coach.

Back at camp, Erinn regrets calling out Coach. Not because she felt badly about it, but because she didn't like the way it made her look bad to JT and Stephen.


Taj was nonplussed by Coach's alleged injuries. She thought that, had he won, "the warrior would have been back."

Erinn shared that her strategy was to go as far as she could with Stephen and JT. Stick with the two people who still retained any semblance of control over the game? Man, she should write a book or something. At least at this point in the game she seems to have a strategy. That's six steps up from where she was last week.

At Exile, Coach launched into a self-assessment of monumental proportions including some of really top-drawer Survivorfest Hall of Fame quotes:

He described himself using approximately 35 adjectives. Really, there needs to be some personal limits.

"The Coach Wade foundation is built on rock!"

"I could go a week without food...it would make me a better, stronger person!"

"I will be like my ancestors, the Native Americans."

"People hate me because I'm eloquent."

And last, but not least, Coach took time to pray: "Please help me to forgive Erinn for being such a bitch..." Okay, I added that last part. He was firing them off faster than I could keep up.

I suspect CBS is collecting all of this for a "Best of Coach" DVD compliation.

The Dragon Slayer made a Dragon Cane to help him do some pseudo-karate type stuff and then to assist him while he hobbled to the immunity challenge.

At the reward challenge, JT and Stephen took a private plane to the Governor's vacation house.


JT: "When I woke up this morning I never dreamed I'd be on a private plane today." I think Joe said the exact same thing around week 6.

The gov's place was nice, and best of all it had a shower! JT: "34 days I have not washed my nasty tail!"

I found it a little uncomfotable that Stephen just sat and watched him, while waiting for his turn. I don't care how much time you spend together in the wild, sometimes a man needs some privacy!

Afterward the two pals enjoyed a feast made up primarily of large hunks of meat. Stephen called it a meat festival. I have nothing to add to that.

They started celebrating their "final 2" status. Better not plan the parade yet, boys.

Day 36, on Exile and Coach appears to be dead. Vultures pecking at his eyes and everything.

He came to long enough to quote Marcus Aurelius, the Roman Emperor who said "You can fool all the people some of the time, you can even fool some of the people all the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time." I know he said it. I was there with Coach. He said it in Latin and then taught Coach how to Samba.

FUNNY JOKES

The immunity challenge was a stamina challenge. Each contestant would stand with their feet braced against two small platforms nailed into vertical poles. Each few minutes they would drop down to a set of smaller platforms, last one on would win immunity.

Coach came back from Exile, limping along with his Dragon Cane.

Taj: "Oh, please! A 37-year old man who thinks he's a Dragon Slayer belongs in a mental institution!" Hey, I have questions about what a middle-aged mother who is married to a multi-millionaire is doing starving herself to death, but I keep them to myself.

Despite his fast at Exile, Coach did quietly request a swig of water before the challenge started.


I figured Stephen and Erin might do well at this challenge as they were both fairly light. Boy was I wrong.

Erinn dropped out first, followed by Stephen. Taj went shortly after, leaving Coach and JT in a battle of wills. Probst billed it as the listener and the talker, and the young buck and the warrior. I think he might be the love child of Howard Cosell. Howard, shows off his versatility here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2rg3a_howard-cosell-john-lennon_music

Probst asked Coach if he thought his time meditating on Exile gave him an advantage in the mental aspect of this challenge. Naturally Coach agreed.

Taj reminded Coach that his back was injured and suggested he take it easy. Coach's back gave out right about then.

Coach shrieked and then slowly flopped off of the platform. He then collapsed into a heap on the ground.

Probst asked if Coach wanted the medical team to take a look at him. "NO! If medical were to take a look at my back I wouldn't be here!"

Later Coach indicated "I was honored in defeat...and when I went down."

NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT

Stephen: "I felt so bad for him...but he's still the Dragon Slayer! I need people here that I can beat." I think it's too late to get Sandy and Sierra back in the game, Stephen.

Back at camp, Coach tried to have JT and Stephen reassure him that he wasn't going to get blindsided at council that night. "No surprises, right, guys?" and "we're all still warriors here, right?"

I'm a little surprised that no one is talking about trying to blindside JT at this point. He must be a realllllly nice guy.

At council, Probst gets Erinn to start up on her Coach rant. Probst asked Coach to respond to her accusations that he's a pointless, unrelenting ass.

Coach: "Sometimes when a man drops a pebble, women see a boulder." Oooo, despite my recent drop in man points, I'm still a man and that even offended me.

Before heading off to cast votes, Coach announced that he had a poem to read. I'm not going to repeat it here. It sounded vaguely biblical. This guy breaks all the rules.

Probst indicated that this would be the last week someone could use the hidden immunity idol. No one did. I am fairly sure that the number of times someone tried to play a fake idol would outnumber the times someone played a real idol. Why even give those things out?

Coach was cast out in a close vote over Erinn. Stephen evidently decided he had a better chance of beating her in a challenge than Coach. Probably true, but I'm going to miss that guy.

Coach couldn't leave without a few last zingers: "Why would they want to keep Erinn in the warrior alliance instead of me? It turns out Stephen was the evil wizard, not the white wizard."

The season ends on Sunday as our final days of Survivorfest draw to a close!

SECRETS OF WEIGHT LOSS!

Survivorfest - Week 11

Debbie heads back to her family and school!

Back at camp and Coach is surrounded by cowards. Cowards!

Debbie was coming to the conclusion that her alliance with coach was not working out for her. I wonder what tipped her off...the blindsiding that she hasn't been a part of or the fact that the rest of the tribe is starting to treat her like Erinn.

She told JT and Stephen that she was with them all the way honest-to-God and pinkie swear. I think the pinkie swear would have been the deal clincher for me. No one welches on one of those.

She finished up her case with "I'm so glad you guys are in my life!"

No reward challenge since we get the Survivor auction!

Debbie paid $120 for some fries. With ketchup and mayo on the side. How European.

Coach paid $320 for chicken parmesan and a glass of wine. I'm not sure he wanted it until Probst said it was classy.

JT paid $160 for a mystery dish. Turned out to be nachos. Mmmmmmm....mystery nachos.

Stephen paid $100 for a mystery item as well. Probst indicated it was a local delicacy, to which Stephen replied "oh, no!" The dish was chicken hearts. If Stephen didn't like 'em, he wasn't telling. I guess he should have known. Two good mystery dishes in a row? Not likely.

The final prize was a "loved one" video. Everyone pooled their money for Taj, which wasn't necessary since no one else was bidding. I guess it's the thought that counts.

Taj got a nice home video from husband Eddie and the family.

At the end of the video, Eddie said "see you back at camp!"

Taj was so busy bawling she didn't seem to notice. When Probst repeated it, Taj realized what it meant and swung Probst around like a rag doll.

"Back at the camp!!!"

As a twist, if Taj took Eddie to Exile, then the rest of the tribe could have a family visit. Not too tough a decision. It would have been interesting if she could either see Eddie or everyone else could see their friends/family. I guess that would have potentially involved a lot of airfare for nothing.

Taj met with Eddie at Exile. She weighed in with a Survivorfest Hall of Fame quote: "He looked so good I wanted to take him aside and have a conjugal visit!" A few years from now and I expect you'll get to watch that kind of thing on pay-per-view.

"If you want to see Taj and Eddie do the nasty, click here and pay $12.99!"

Exile for Taj and Eddie was probably a good thing. That way no one would bug Eddie for autographs.

Stephen's brother asked him not to eat him. After seeing him, I would think that Stephen should be the one worrying.

Coach had his assistant coach join him. I'm not sure if that is really his name, relation or title, but it's certainly weird.

He turned to him and said "Guess what they call me...Dragonslayer! Cause that's what I do. I'm slaying the dragons." You can't make stuff like that up.

Coach and his assistant went to work trying to loosen up Coach's back using a variety of bizarre exercises. He felt compelled to tell us that they weren't engaging in any weird sexual positions. Whew. I was a little concerned...

Evidently JT really misses his cows.

Once the family and friends had departed it was back to talking strategy.

Someone asked Erinn what her thoughts were on the game. She responded the same way you might expect a dog if you asked him an algebra question. "uhhhmm."

Seriously, what's she still doing on this show?

Debbie was back to trying to ingratiate herself with JT and Stephen. She thought voting off Coach would be the best move. "It's gonna have to be what we...I mean what you did to Tyson." Nice save, Quisling.

Debbie went on to indicate that Erinn and Taj should be next. Moreover, if she won immunity near the end, she would give it to JT and be happy to have third place.

Stephen was appropriately suspicious. Particularly of the way she continued to swear that she would stay aligned with them.

He did indicate that it would be nice to have Debbie step aside and give the idol to he and JT later in the game. Um, Stephen...I think she said she'd give the idol to JT...

Immunity challenge was an obstacle course where the contestant would get mathematical equations to help solve a math puzzle.

The first part of the challenge involved digging a hole under a beam and crawling through. Taj got stuck but good.

Erinn, the thinnest of all of them, was the last one to make it under the beam. By a long way. I'm not sure she even made it to the math symbols. How is she still in this game?

Stephen had a tough time walking across the balance beam, but when he finally reached the math symbols, was able to memorize all of them and complete the equation on his first try. Everyone else had to take multiple trips.

I think he may have had an advantage as the only one who seemed to have a passing familiarity with math.

At tribal council I couldn't help but think that if Sierra dressed up like that during the game, she might still be there. She reminded me of Beetlejuice's sister.

Taj referenced the "warriors" clan. Probst started to pick at Coach, who replied "I didn't come up with that name myself."

Probst: "Let me guess...a chief somewhere gave you that name."

Coach got a little pissy at that point. I guess he does know when people are making fun of him.

Erinn indicated that whoever went home that night would probably be surprised. She should know. I'm pretty darn sure no one has told her how the vote tonight was going to go.

Debbie knew the jig was up when her name came up the second time.

Coach did not look pleased about another turn of events that took place without his blessing. Brendan seemed to enjoy it, though.

Next week is the final regular episode followed by the season finale on Sunday. We're coming down the home stretch!

See you next week on Survivorfest!