Survivorfest week 10!!

Queen Brenda meets the guillotine!

Fresh from tribal council, Brenda and Sash are revelling in their role as King and Queen of the game.  Brenda weighed in with this Hall Of Fame quote:  "We're like the king and queen of Survivor...well, Sash is more like the queen..."  I thought we had that whole straight/gay thing figured out weeks ago, thanks to Shannon!

Holly has begun to see the writing on the wall.  She's come a long way in my opinion since the early days.  I love to see someone trying to improve their position in the game rather than just playing along, doing what they're told and hoping someone will invite them into the final vote.  I really hate that a few people have actually won a million dollars that way because it encourages others to do the same thing.

Jane also sees trouble on the horizon.  She began speaking to NaOnka about clearing house with Brenda or Sash.  Ironically she said "I hate playing with villains!  I don't like 'em in real life and I don't like 'em in this game!"  You're speaking with NaOanka, lady!  She stole your food, stole Fabio's socks, cursed out Marty and abused a handicapped woman!

Before heading to the reward challenge the tribe decided to protect the campfire by blocking all sides of it with their wooden chests filled with supplies.  Hmmmm.  Do they understand how fire works?  Cue ominous background music, because this won't end well.

The reward challenge was to have two teams travel across an expanse of sand using only barrels and planks.  If any of the team touched the ground, they would need to begin again.

The teams were divided by schoolyard pick.  Oddly they didn't show the pick taking place.  I'm always enthralled by who gets picked first and last and the thoughts of the "captains".  Alas, we didn't get to see any of that.

Chase, Jane, NaOnka, Fabio and Kelly had immediate success eschewing the use of all the barrels. They quickly made their way across the sand while the other team struggled to make it a few feet.  To add to the disaster they also fell off and had to restart.

Further, Prost was off the drink again and spent most of the challenge mocking them:

"Dan can barely crawl on his two bad knees!"
"Dan smashes his hand!"
"Nice strategy, Brenda...that'll work...for about a minute."
"Benry makes the ceremonial loser's dismount!"

The reward was to visit an active volcano and slide down the edge of it.  That doesn't really sound like a reward.  Surviving the active volcano, maybe.

They appeared to enjoy the slide, however, suited up in hazmat outfits, goggles and traveling at about 10 mph over a gravel like surface that would easily rip flesh from bone.  Where do I sign up?

Afterward the group enjoyed a picnic of pizza, soda and brownies.  Probably tasted extra yummy with all the ash floating around.

They had a nice chat about who was running things at camp.  Fabio was surprised to learn that Brenda was in charge. Really, dude?  You know it's not still Marty, right?

When confronted with the plan to oust Brenda, he was impressed:  "Wow...that's for real for real..."

You could tell that this made Fabio think hard because he kept rubbing his chin in that way that dullards like to do to make them look smart and contemplative.

Back at camp, the remainder of the tribe learned that wood does, in fact, burn.  The campsite they had left had been reduced mostly to ashes.  Personally I suspect the cameramen, but I can't prove it.

Brenda:  "How did that happen!?!"  One of the mysteries of the universe, I guess. 

To the tribe's credit, no one started blaming anyone for what has to be one of the silliest mistakes in Survivor history.

Even when the rest of the tribe returned, they took the turn of events pretty well.

Chase couldn't wait to get back so he could squeal about the plan to his pal Brenda.

"I trust Brenda!  I put my game plan in her."  Um, okay.  I guess every man has a name for it...Hadn't heard that one before.

Chase's diarrhea of the mouth continued.  Not only did he squeal to Brenda, but he pretty much told everyone that he did it, too.

Immunity challenge was of the endurance variety.  Hold onto a rope at an angle until you can't take it any more and then you fall into the water that Fabio peed in.

Sash and Kelly (why-is-she-still-purple?) were out almost immediately.  Usually the tiny, thin girls do best at challenges like these, but Brenda, Kelly and Sash were out pretty quickly.

Chase and Benry started howling at each other, which was kind of funny.

It came down to Chase and Jane to see who was the better man.  Jane was going to give in, but Probst laid into her about not being a sissy.  Plus Chase kept wanting to talk about his feelings and that just made her angry.

In the end Chase fell out first and Jane won immunity again.

At council, Brenda was truly playing the part of queen.  She indicated that she had no interest in voting Marty out, but since her alliance desired it, she averred.  She also refused to "scramble" or votes once she found out that her name was at the top of everyone's list.

She mentioned that Nay seemed to be at the front of it all and how disappointed she was that her friend had betrayed her.

Probst prodded Nay on why she did it.  Nay, ever petulant, claimed it wasn't her idea and tried to throw Chase under the bus.

Probst asked Kelly what her 20 years of wisdom told her about the situation:  "My twenty years of wisdom, yeah.  I think that....Um....I'm learning things!"  I suspect Kelly took a special, shortish bus to school.  Chances are it was purple.

The votes went in and everyone with the exception of clueless Kelly and her queen voted for Brenda.

Next week:  Kellie reveals what she has learned...hot fire can burn things!  Next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 9!

Marty Farty hits the road!

Fresh from tribal council, NaOnka reveals that she thinks that Marty was too hard on Jane.  She couldn't believe that he was all up in her grill and stuff.  It's not like he threatened to rip off her prosthetic leg and throw it in the fire or something.  Sheesh.

Jane has officially dubbed Marty as Mr. Farty.  I think that really says it all.

Marty tried to rally the troops around a new plan of action:  Get Jane.  Really, that was about it.  Not much of a plan, really, just get her.  Get her good.

Jane thinks that he's just worried for his own safety in the game.  I had trouble following this metaphor "Marty's gotta noose around his neck waiting for the hatchet man to come cut the rope."  Um.  Wouldn't that be good news?  I know if I were hanging by a noose I'd want someone to come along and chop it...

The reward challenge was an obstacle course patterned after the Three Little Pigs.  One wall was made of straw, one of bamboo sticks and one of bricks. There were some obstacle courses to crawl through on the way to each wall. The first team through each wall and obstacle would collect keys to unlock a series of padlocks.  Winning team would get a zipline tour of Nicaragua and a barbecue.

They did a random draw and oddly the teams came out men versus women.  There was a collective slapping sound from the boardroom at CBS.  Just when I think they don't rig these things....

Chase was the odd man out.  He was given the opportunity to pick which team he thought would win and would join them on reward if he was correct.  He chose to side with the women.

The women held up pretty well through the straw wall.  The men took a distinct advantage at the bamboo wall, and it was all over but the shouting by the time they reached the brick wall.

Jane completely ran out of gas on the way to the brick wall.  Even if they had the time and the bulk to break through I suspect they would've had to carry her to the finish line.

Afterward the men were given the option to swap one of their team for one of the women who they thought "deserved' the trip.  That seemed kind of stupid.  I can't conceive of any reason why anyone on the team would willingly sit out the reward.  Plus, how would the team know who on the other team "deserved" to go when they were obviously too busy performing their own challenge to notice.  Makes no sense.

Needless to say, they declined.

Was Chase a fool for siding with the women for such a difficult challenge?  Of course not, because he was thinking with little Chase!  If the women won, he would enjoy reward with a bunch of women.  If they lost, he got to go back to camp, you guessed it, with a bunch of women!  Young, single men are trained to think this way. In many ways, he is a hero.

As always, too much of a good thing is rarely a good thing.  Back at camp Chase began to turn into a woman.  He kept asking Brenda about her feelings and wondered why they didn't talk any more...serious loss of man points.

At the reward, the men enjoyed the high altitude zipline.  Except Dan, who looked like he was ready to have a coranary.

At the barbecue Mr. Farty was back to his Get Jane plan.  I think if we put Marty on Breast Cancer Awareness we might have that stuff stamped out in a couple of months.

The Immunity Challenge was a memory game.  I figured this would appear in an old versus young season, but several weeks too late to do most of the oldies any good.  Probst showed a series of images in order and the players were to repeat them one at a time.

Jane and Nay washed out almost immediately when they couldn't remember their own names.  I think Nay knew, she just didn't want to be Probst's bitch.

Dan was out when he displayed an image that wasn't event included in the series.  I can only assume he didn't check it before he showed it.  He really should have been out three or four weeks ago.

The gang whittled down to Brenda and Marty.  Marty seemed to be keeping pace with some sort of Rainman routine.  Brenda had that memory thing that makes me think she doesn't forget ANYthing. Eventually Marty slipped up and Brenda won immunity.

Back at camp, the scheming began.  There were the usual obfuscations about who would be voting for whom.  This led to a wonderful exchange between Fabio and Benry, who were discussing how to "lay low" that week.

Fabio:  "I hate playing stupid so much.  But I guess that's the smart thing to do..."
Benry:  "It's easy!"

Marty went around spreading the word that Nay was going home so he could try to blindside Jane.  Really, Mr. Farty?  After the hissy fit you threw the night before, no one is buying it.

Marty told Brenda the Get Jane plan.  He also mentioned that it was Sash's idea.

Brenda asked Sash what his plan was and he said "my plan is whatever your plan is..."  I'm glad someone in this game is thinking.

Dan spent the whole day looking perpetually shocked by everything he saw and heard.  I suspect he was just amazed that he was still in the game.  I know I am.

At council, Probst asked about the whole stealing food thing.  NaOnka indicated that she wasn't there to talk about the past.  She declared herself a "humanitarian" which I believe she meant as an excuse for fallibility.  Or maybe she was just getting reallllllly hungry if you know what I mean.

Nay also mentioned her disgust of all things Marty.  His hair, his walk, the way he uses up oxygen.  It really digressed into f-bombs and fingers at that point. 

I think if NaOnka can survive this tribal council behaving like this, she's a sure-fire candidate for the final three.  She would literally have to murder someone at this point in order to get voted out.  And even then it might depend on who she killed.

The votes went in and Mr. Farty went out in a landslide.

Next week, NaOnka takes a dump in everyone's sleeping bags!  And still doesn't get voted out!

Survivorfest week 8!

Alina's flame is snuffed!

This week's episode opened with the scene of a dead sea turtle getting picked apart by a flock of birds and a wild-eyed Naonka.

An only slightly less disturbing image of Fabio doing his tree mail dance soon followed.  "Uncle Fabio has some treeeeee mailllllllll!"  Add thirty years to him, put on some too-tight plaid trousers and a bad toupee and he would be the kind of uncle that you wouldn't leave your kids with.

Tree mail hints at a merge.  Alina started suggesting some strategies around the camp fire.  Almost immediately everyone's eyes glazed over.  It reminds me of when I lecture my kids about leaving the door to the garage open.

True to tree mail, today is the merge!  They dropped their buffs and donned new ones.

The traditional treasure chest was chock full of food, cooking supplies and, strangely, rum.

Fabio:  "We have to drink all this today!"  Yup.  Uncle Creepy in the basement with Jimmie playing "what would you do for a quarter?".

Marty suggested the name for the new tribe:  Libertad which is, of course, Spanish for "only well drinks are on special today."

Nay quickly began sneaking bits of food into her undergarments for a snack a little later.  At this point I'm hoping for a random gorilla attack.  She'd be like a noisy pinata...keep beating on her and little treats come out!

Brenda and Nay caught each other up on the latest gossip from both camps.  Even Nay can't believe that Marty was dumb enough to give Sash his idol.  And this from someone with bits of crackers stuffed in her drawers.

Chase and Jane decided they were cut from the same denim cloth.  Evidently both of them hail from North Carolina, both like animals (live or dead) and both of them talked like an extra from the Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo.

Marty saw this and was none too happy.  He weighed in with this Survivor Hall of Fame Quote:  "that good ol' boy crap spreads like cancer!"   Agreed.  Nothing dissolves team relations like infamous southern hospitality.  For an example look no further than the Civil War.  Case closed.

Nay became angry when she didn't get her share of something they were cooking so she felt entitled to start swiping more things from the food supply.  By the end of the day she had pilfered approximately 1 jar of flour, 2 pans and bowls, a working hibachi grill and Wolfgang Puck.  Unfortunately for her, Holly spotted her making off with Puck.

Evidently Nay had some pangs of guilt and assuaged them by telling Alina what she had done and sharing her ill-gotten food.

The fun came to an end when Fabio realized there was a bunch of stuff missing and called a family meeting.  After much wailing and moaning Holly decided it might be worth mentioning that she had seen Nay stuffing enough food into her bag to feed Kirstie Alley.  Sherlock Fabio put two and two together.

Naonka denied everything.  She admitted putting some things into her bag, but she, naturally, put them right back.  It was the putting-back that Holly had managed to miss.  She was so indignant about being accused that she refused to discuss the matter any farther and stalked off into the jungle with Wolfgang Puck trailing behind her.

Alina convinced her that it might be in her best interest to not assume that the rest of the tribe were complete morons, and she fessed up.  I found it amusing that she subtlety dragged Alina under the bus with her.

Marty was really angry with Nay.  I think if she had pulled this two weeks later when they were really hungry he might have actually gotten very Lord of the Flies with her.  But alas, cooler heads prevailed and the tribe all agreed to blame Alina.

Sash was pretty excited about the whole thing.  He realized that if Nay managed to stick it out until the final vote that no one would give her a million dollars.

He confided to her "You're my #1 girl here." to which she replied "ditto."  I'm not sure if she meant that she was her own #1 girl or if it was a Sash-slam.  Either way it's kind of funny.

Immunity challenge was an endurance challenge.  Each member would hold an iron rod with a metal holder that would have to have continuous outward pressure applied.  Last man and woman to drop their rods would win immunity.  Yes, I'm aware how deliciously naughty that last bit sounded.  Oh, behave!

The challenge commenced and Kelly and Dan were out almost instantly.  Really, Dan?  You're clearly a weight lifter, dude!  It's time to man up!

Brenda, Benry, Sash, NaOnka and Holly soon followed.  Jane won the challenge for the women.  She was having such a good time with it that she decided to stay with it to see if she could beat the men as well.  Personally I thought Probst should have made it interesting at that point and offered her up a car or a dream date with Russell Hantz if she could pull it off.

Marty dropped out, followed by Chase.  Fabio won for the men!  After he released his grip Jane finished her emasculation.

Individual immunity points for Jane and Fabio owners.

Back at camp Dan told Marty to be sure to wake him up to let him know who he was voting for this week.  How is this sad sack still in the game?

The tribe seemed split between getting rid of Marty or Alina.  It seemed like everyone was really leaning toward Alina until Marty got wind that he might be on the outs and made such an ass of himself trying to convince everyone that he should stay that they got really irritated with him.

At council Marty asked if he could have a few minutes to speak and then gave a dissertation on why he should stay and someone else, preferably Jane or Alina, should go.

He went on to complain about Jane and Chase and their snooty South Carolina ways ("that's North Carolina, you mo-ron!").

Marty upped the ante by claiming that if Jane made it to the final vote that he would vote for her.  Interesting strategy for getting rid of someone.

They discussed the food stealing.  NaOnka indicated that she felt forced into taking the food because no one would talk with her.  And how is this sociopath still in the game?

Benry called Alina a "100% Grade-A dirt squirrel".  What in the world did this girl do to these people that CBS didn't show us?  And what the hell is a dirt squirrel?

Google defines it as:

1. a female of questionable character 2. a female with a scandalous sexual past 3. a dirty dirty slut

The votes went in, and Alina went out.  She is now the first member of the jury.

Probst warned the remaining tribe that "deciding as a group won't work forever".  Wait a minute.  Doesn't he usually complain when they have mixed votes or someone gets blindsided?  Then he says something like "this is clearly a tribe in chaos".  Make up your mind, Probst!

Survivorfest week 7!

Jill is rubbed out!

Fresh from tribal council, Marty is miffed that the dominant youngsters of his tribe put his name down and forced a tie that led to Kelly One Leg being voted off.  Their excuse of wanting to flush the idol off was feeble even by Survivor standards.

The reward challenge was to have each tribe throw balls at a net while someone from the other tribe acted as a goalie over a pool of water.

This was fun to watch, especially since Marty hit Chase in the coconuts.

It got better when Fabio decided the pool would be a nice place to take a whiz.  The boy isn't bladder shy, that's for sure.  You can tell that it's been a rough haul for most of these players when no one complains about having to flail around in a small pool of Fabio urine.

Espada won the challenge, which was a horseback ride and a nice breakfast.  The highlight of the breakfast was that the tribe got to milk their own cow.  Wife:  "what kind of a reward is that!?!"

Nay entered into the Survivor hall of fame with this quote:  "I touched a cow's nipple.  I'm over it". 

Back at La Flor, Jane was catching a whole mess of catfish while the rest of the tribe slept in.  She treated herself to one on the side before returning to camp.  She's starting to grow on me a bit.

Now that Kelly One Leg is gone and the tribes have been re-buffed, why does Probst keep calling her Kelly Purple?

The immunity challenge was a long chute that two of the tribe would direct the rest of the tribe to aim and hold to roll a ball onto some plates.  First tribe to break all their plates won immunity.


Espada won immunity.  I think Brenda and Alina got tired of arguing with Marty and the crew about how to place the chute.  They went back to camp to figure out who should go home that night.

You know things are going sideways when Fabio is masterminding the plan to vote someone off.

Sash and Brenda came up with a plan to convince Marty to give him (Sash) his immunity idol as an act of trust.  They would then promise not to vote him off.  It sounds even more stupid when it's typed out, believe me.

Marty figures it's worth a shot since he had to use the idol anyway, and doing this might give him another week in the game.  So will actually PLAYING your immunity idol, Einstein!

At council, Jeff notes that Marty had given Sash his idol and asked if he had a Nicuraguan lobotomy.  Marty explained his reason and Probst turned on Sash.  "So, if Brenda asked you to give her the idol to "hold on to" would you?"

"Um..." awkward silence "if the time was right."  Sash then went to blather on about how it would be nice to have the idol in case "he" needed it.  He amended it to say "they".

Probst asked Fabio if he thought that was a Freudian slip.  Fabio said he didn't think it was right for guys to dress in womens nighties on prime-time television shows.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, the youngsters kept their word and didn't vote off Marty.  They took his main pal Jill instead.

Next week...smells like a merge!

Survivorfest week 6!

Yve hops off into the sunset with Holly One-Leg!

Sorry about the delay on the latest blogs.  (Evil) Russell Hantz has been hanging around my house a lot in the evenings and he just won't take a hint when it's time to leave!

Fresh from tribal council, Dan is thinking about quitting.  His knee is bugging him and he doesn't like the outdoor life.  Helllloooooo...it's Survivor!  He didn't think he could stand another 20 days of rain.  Somehow I don't think that is going to be a problem.

Yve, meanwhile, told everyone how, despite what they thought, she wasn't "with" Tyrone.  Yeah, she says that now, but later on she'll be bragging to her friends about how she's such a close pal with some guy named Tyrone.  Everyone wishes that could say that..."Yeah, when I was hangin' with my buddy Tyrone..."  You know you like the sound of it.

Individual immunity challenge! 

Players dug up circular pieces of rope, had to flip them onto a basket on their backs and then toss the rings onto pegs.  First player to ring all their ropes won individual immunity.

This was a silly-looking challenge, clearly created to pander to the older folks.  My favorite part was the basket they were supposed to flip the rings into.  It looked like they were sporting toilet seats strapped to their backs.


Holly and Jill (individual immunity points for each!) completed the challenge first and squared off for a reward for their tribe.  Both tribes would vote someone off and the winner would get to enjoy a feast while sitting in on the loser's tribal council.

It was a close competition, but Jill pulled it out. Funny, I wouldn't have given two thousand independent votes that Hollie would be able to stick around this long.  Maybe it's that weird Fargo-like accent.

Back at camp La Flor, Marty told Fabio that he was a chess grandmaster.  Fabio said he was more of a leg man.  I'll wait a minute to let that sink in.  Bah.  That wasn't really worth it, was it?

Anyway, it turns out that Marty was lying to impress Fabio with his planning skills.  I think the fact that he knew how to play chess impressed Fabio.

The tactic seemed to work.  When the rest of the tribe wanted to vote off Marty, Fabio was hesitant.  I think he believed that Marty might be able to see through him with his Jedi mind tricks.

At council Marty decided to trust his instincts and hold onto his idol.  The youngsters split their votes and tied on Marty and Kelly One Leg.

The re-vote took place and Kellie came up...ahem...short.

While Kelly hopped off through the graveyard, her tribe dug into a feast while the Espada tribe filed in for council.

They got an earful about Dan's whining about life in the great outdoors.  Yve couldn't believe that she was the only one calling him out.  Dan suddenly decided that he didn't want to quit and loved everything about being miserable.  Further, he insisted that Yve was arrogant..her overall attitude.

Yve pointed out that she hadn't been going on about a Ferrari, six cars and his own guest spot on Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless.

Despite the whining and the lack of skill at challenges, Espada decided to vote off Yve.  I still can't figure that one out.