Survivorfest week 3

Jerry is shipped out!


Back at camp, Timbera reflects on the blindside of Candace. Erinn, who spent a lot of time hanging with Candace, realized that she might be in an awkward position and tried to distance herself.

Erinn: "Just because I spent a lot of time with Candace doesn't mean I was actually WITH Candace. I didn't trust her so I had to hang with her to keep an eye on her." Uh huh.


Coach was having none of it: "She has completely insulted all of our intelligences!" Just hearing him say that made me lose six IQ points.

Does anyone else think that Sierra is dressed like Beetlejuice?


Jerry is sick. Evidently the beans didn't agree with him. Welcome to the club, pal.


Back at Jalapao, the tribe used their fishing equipment to catch some fish.


Joe: "That fish tasted like victory!" Sure, if victory was yellow and slimy and filled with parasites.


Reward challenge was a blindfolded group led by a caller. The blindfolded were to be vocally led through a maze to get buckets to fill with water to fill a larger vat. Then the buckets were to be filled with corn to complete the challenge. Winner would take pillows, blankets and tarps.

Brendan and Jerry were blindfolded and paired and were not taking much direction from Deb. They wandered off into the forest. Seriously, guys, do you know what "left" means?

Jalapao took a big lead on the bucket-finding and water-filling. They quickly made the corn run while Timbera was still trying to fill their first water bucket.


Timbera seemed to be a case of the blind leading the blind. The blindfolded couldn't seem to hear Deb (which was a surprise because I think I could hear her with the TV turned off) and Deb couldn't see what the blindfolded people were trying to do to in order to give direction.

Jalapao won by a landslide.


Brendan was chosen to go to Exile Island again and he selected Taj to join him. That raised some eyebrows. Somewhere in Tennessee Eddie George started to make a few phone calls.

Coach strikes me as one of those guys who talks a big game, consistently underperforms and then freaks out when he loses. Which seems to happen a lot.

After losing the challenge he screamed. "I let out a scream. A primal scream. Which was about one-quarter of what I felt."

Back at camp, Deb stepped up to take the blame, although I doubt she could have yelled much louder. Probably not a good strategy to offer to take the heat this early in the season.

Tyson: "Coach is one of those guys who isn't the best, but likes to think he is..." Hey. I think I just said that.

Coach decided to let Tyson be his "assistant coach". Tyson couldn't have been more thrilled: "If I get moved over to the other tribe I want...I will DEMAND that they call me coach!" I'm starting to like this guy.


At Exile: Taj and Brendan got the choice or urns again. Taj got the clue this time. She walked away from Brendan to read what was on the paper. It said "The person you are with is a criminal...there is a revolver hidden in the crook of a nearby tree. Shoot him and the bomb attached to your leg won't go off". Oops. Sorry, I just released the plot for the next Saw move.

The idol is hidden back at camp, in some woods. Taj shared the clue with her partner.


Back at Jalapao, the tribe was waking after a good night's sleep.

Sandy spoiled it: "I know I'm a sex kitten in the morning!" I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.


The immunity challenge was to roll crates, in paris, over a finish line. When completed, the teams would stack the crates to form a staircase spelling the tribe name on the side.


Coach is wearing soccer socks. What a dork.


Jerry looks like he's dying.


Timbera finished moving their crates just ahead of Jalapao. Erinn took charge of ordering the placement of the crates. At some point, however, the rest of the tribe decided not to listen to her and they fell behind.


Jalapao completed the staircase and took fish...I mean victory again.


Jerry: "I'm through...I'm finished."


Back at camp Erinn was pretty happy to tell everyone else how sick Jerry was.


Coach was appalled. "Did you see that smile of hers?!?" Demonstrating, he looked a bit like the Grinch. "I am unable to exist around people that are dishonest." He went on to explain that the rest of that rabble was probably used to it, but he was truly above dealing with such scum.


Erinn: "I don't want to be all 'Hey, Jerry's sick', but hey, Jerry's sick!" You're a mean one...Mrs. Grinch....

Tyson suggested to Jerry that he might want to suck it up and at least pretend that he was getting better. Jerry only seemed to manage to roll to an upright position and laugh his goofy laugh.

Tyson: You gotta be strong...you gotta just stick it in there!"

My wife: "That's what SHE said!" Is there any question why I love her?


In the meantime Brendan went to look for the idol. He found it hidden in the skirt of the tree-mail idol. Hidden idol points for Brendan!


Tyson: "Erinn would be fun to watch get blind-sided. I love seeing people cry when I crush their dreams!" I wonder how often he gets to do that...

At tribal council, Probst asked Tyson why Timbera was struggling.


"We got arrogant." When did this happen. Why and how did this happen? Don't you have to win or be good at something to be arrogant?


Erinn explained her role in the crate placement "They didn't listen to me and then things started falling apart." That's a good strategy. The old "if they hadn't been so stupid and if they'd have done what I told them, everything would have been fine" bit.


Jerry indicated that the tribe needed a leader. Got one? Brendan. You could almost see Brendan swallow his tongue when he heard that.

Coach begged to differ: "If Brendan wants to be leader then he needs to take the reigns...I was out there telling people what to do with my eyes!" With his eyes! Imagine what he could have done if he'd used any other part of his body.


Further: "It's not about ego...I'd rather be a good follower! I was just saying how I'm the best leader." I just don't see this guy making it to the end. I think making the jury is a stretch.


The votes were tallied and Jerry was out!


Next week, Tyson gets even wackier!


See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest4! - week 2

The girl from Dayton goes down!


Back from tribal council, Jalapao tries to make fire with their newly acquired flint.


Sandy: "We're gunna have fur!" Where do you pick up an accent like that, Deliverance?


She continued on to make quite an ass of herself, thanking and hugging everyone for keeping her around. I think at least a couple of her tribe were having second thoughts.


They boiled up some unappetizing vegetables that looked a lot like fish sticks. Deciding they needed more protein, they kicked over a termite mound and ate some of the residents. Kinda like Survivor meets Fear Factor.


Sydney: "I wouldn't eat the worm! I'll eat one at a challenge, but not in real life!" Ooooookay. When you find yourself in "real life" you be sure to let us know, honey.


Current count of the number of days I've had like the guy in the Dell commercial who buys a new laptop, gets his ass slapped by cops, kissed by random hot chicks for no reason and has his own parade: 0.


Back at Timbera, Sierra decided to tell Brendan about the hidden immunity idol. Together they found the first clue which was similar to Sandy's. These two didn't seem to have any question about what a "pace" was.


Soon they had dug a hole approximately the size of Pittsburgh. After you hit the five foot mark I think you can safely assume you're not digging in the right place, dude. That should be a Survivor rule of thumb. Might start up a thread on that.


Debbie decided it was time to check on the two since they'd been gone for a long time. When she came upon them in the crater, Sierra claimed that they were digging a fire pit for a party later.


Not only did Debbie buy it, but she was already planning the festivities: dancing, skinny-dipping, body shots...did I mention she's a middle-school principal?


Coach is a real piece of work: "It's my job to find fault with other people..." Evidently when everyone else does it they're just being mean.


Coach and Candace went at it a little over the cooking of rice and beans. Seriously, fighting over starvation-class cuisine on the second day? That's not gonna keep you around in this game.


Coach offered to kiss and make up, choosing instead to lick her neck. Classy.


Taj couldn't wait to tell her tribemates about her famous husband, Eddie George. She played coy with the information for about six seconds. "He's a football analyst...he does college and pro....because he knows so much being a Heisman Trophy winner and a multi-million dollar player and all!"

We'll see how that works out for her. Common folks don't usually feel much empathy with the famous. It's a burden sometimes, I assure you.


Stephen: I have NO idea who Eddie George is. That's okay, Stephen. He's probably never heard of you, either.


Immunity challenge was a good old fashioned game of jungle ball in a shallow pond.


These challenges are my favorite.


Candace immediately went after somebody. I couldn't tell who because she quickly stuffed her underwater and held her there until she passed out. She then took a pass and drained the first basket.


The next group went and Sandy grabbed Erinn from behind by her bikini top and started riding her like a bronco. I swear she's at least a little bit nuts.


Tyson grabbed the rock and put in the second basket for Timbera.


The third group was all women. Taj took over and do like Eddie do. She ran over everyone to take her shot. She should add a chapter to her book called "How to deliver a stiff-arm". Ouch!

Unfortunately she had no hooping skills whatsoever. Sandy eventually recovered the ball and drained it. One score for Jalapao.


JT quickly scored in the next round and Jalapao tied the game. Next basket would win.


The gang looked pretty tuckered out. There was a lot of hugging and slumping going on. It was like a heavyweight fight between two butterballs. Eventually Stephen shed Sierra like an overcoat and calmly knocked down the winning basket.


Jalapao wins! As part of the victory, they chose Brendan to go to Exile Island. As a twist this season Brendan got to choose someone from the winning tribe to join him. He took Taj.


At Exile they each got to choose an urn. Taj's was empty and Brendan's held a clue to immunity. The hidden idol is back at camp. He shared the information with Taj and the two had some nice together time.

Taj is becoming one of my early-season favorites. Maybe it was her line about not playing the game because she needed the money, but because she wanted to win the damn money.


For another twist this season, Brendan can choose at the end of each day if he wants to switch tribes. That should be an interesting option if things go poorly for him.


Did anyone catch what Taj was wiping on her eyebrows? It looked like Chapstick. Is that the new thing? I feel so out of it.


Stephen and JT are a cute couple. They went fishing together.


Stephen: "JT might be seducing me with his pretty country ways, but he's seducing me!" Um. here's a tip from your new pal. Alabama boys don't talk like that. I think they say things like "I wish I knew how to quit you!"


Back at Timbera, Jerry had a chunk missing from his elbow. Not sure how, since he didn't seem to do anything during the challenge.


Candace spent most of her time and energy bad-mouthing Coach. Debbie decided to rat her out.


My daughter: I don't know why they fight like that. I would be nice to everyone and secretly hate everyone...it's what I do at school". Her mother and I are so proud.


At council, Brendan was asked about his time on Exile. He told them about the urns, but fibbed about who got the one with the note. Clever.


The tribe discussed what to do at council that evening. They decided to stick to the plan. Erinn chimed in: "what was the plan again?" I don't see her lasting too much longer.


Coach wanted to blindside Candace: "I make my living off of people trusting me." Hmm.


Sierra: "I haven't found the idol, but I'm still looking behind my back." It's ten paces from the fricking stick, Sierra!


At council Jeff asked Candace how she thought things were going. "I think I'm vibing with the whole group." Since when did vibe become a verb?


Jerry: " I've bonded with this group deeply". I wonder just what in the world he's been up to? I haven't seen him do anything but sit around, chew on a toothpick and chuckle.


Debbie decided to jump in and offer her unsolicited opinion. Why would you do that? It works better when you hope that Jeff ignores you. I question how long she's going to be around, too.


Sierra looked like she was ready to fall asleep at council. Maybe she's still feeling the illness, but she's starting to remind me of Chet from a couple of seasons ago. It wouldn't surprise me if three weeks from now she's begging people to vote her off.


Candace was blind-sided by a landslide. She seemed to go through the classic phases of early-season blindsidedness:

First time her name is read: "Heh. The turkey I voted for put my name down!"
The second time her name is read: "hey..."
The third time her name is read: "Uh oh. So this is why so-and-so suggested I bring my stuff to council and no one else did."
And as the final vote is read: "%&#%&%#!!!"



See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest 4 - week1!

(Not so) sweeeeeeet Carolin(a)......Forgive me for channeling my inner Neil Diamond. That usually doesn't happen until week 7 or so.

And Survivorfest 4 is off and running! Welcome back those of you who have been here before and a shout out to all of you first timers. Strange...that made me feel almost vaguely vice-presidential.

Probst immediately whipped us into shape at the end of the truck ride to the starting point by letting us know that our Survivors were facing the challenges of deep, dark Brazil where:

Temperatures could surpass 120 degrees
There were spontaneous wildfires
There were few rivers
Said rivers were occupied by wild animals
The local village was actually being run by Jonny Fairplay

Okay, I may have been kidding about the last one.

The tribe had already been split into two tribes (Jalapao and Timbera) which seemed to save the trouble of a random pick of colored stones or a schoolyard pick that usually ended up pointing out who everyone thought the early weak links were.

Oops. Turns out they would have an immediate vote to see which of their new tribemates would be voted out of the upcoming adventure.

Jalapao chose bus driver Sandy because she was old and probably crazy while Timbera elected to cull Sierra because she didn't appear to survive the truck ride.

But before any of you who had either of these two as a "loveable loser" gets too excited, Probst was only kidding. The two weak links would get to chopper to the tribe camp while the rest of the troop had to walk four miles in the grueling heat, carrying all of their supplies.

The supplies came courtesy of whatever each tribe was able to haul out of the truck within 60 seconds. Jalapao started things off on the wrong foot when they ended up with no food and no water. I'm not sure what they ended up getting, but it looked to be eighty pounds of bricks, two-huge sacks of coffee beans and the driver (whose name is Juan and he'd like to give a shout out to his kids, who he hopes to see again if the strange Americans don't end up eating him). Just kidding.

Probst pointed out Jalapao's error in judgment, but Spencer indicated he thought that they'd be "just fine". Evidently he thought no food and no water would be okay. Possibly he is a Breatharian (http://www.angelfire.com/stars3/breathe_light/breatharianism.html) and I am not making that up.

After their initial disappointment (read outrage and belligerence) turned to relief at the prospect of not being voted off and getting to take an expensive, luxury ride, Sandy and Sierra had the campsites all to themselves.

Some quick notes and quotes from the rest of the tribe during the trek:

Taj plans to burn off her baby weight in the hot Brazilian sun on this adventure.

Stephen managed to quickly acquire a hole in the ass side of his pants. There was no adequate explanation, but he did indicate it was "a little something for the ladies back home." Don't all you ladies feel better knowing that?

Carolina wore cowboy boots. It never ceases to amaze me what people choose to wear on Survivor.

Benjamin or "Coach" indicated that he was kind of a man of adventure who was thrilled at the challenges before him and couldn't wait to eliminate the weak so that he could go up against the best of the best like a gladiator of old. It's only week one and I already want to punch him in the head.

At camp Jalapao, Sandy is already crying. That didn't take long. One of these seasons I need to add a category for "first one who cries".

I've come to the conclusion that she reminds me of "Patty the Daytime Hooker" from My Name is Earl. I'll add her to my Survivor/celebrity Look-a-like page a little later: http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/Survivor_celebrity.htm

Sandy was presented with a choice: begin setting up camp or look for a hidden immunity idol. Still feeling outcast she opted for the idol and set off searching for the first clue.

Back at Timbera, Sierra had the same choice, but opted to curry the favor of her tribe by setting up a shelter.

When the rest of Jalapao had arrived, Sandy had still not found the first clue. She had spent most of her time muttering to herself, crying and swearing. The tribe was not pleased to discover that she had not been doing anything productive while they were hiking across the wilderness.

Timbera seemed to appreciate the work that Sierra had done for them, although they didn't reach the campsite until after dark.

Back at Jalapao, Sandy kept slipping away from the others to look for the first clue. I think told them she had to "go menopause" so they didn't ask any questions.

She found the first clue which indicated she should take ten paces toward the lone palm tree. This presented a problem for Sandy who apparently didn't know what a palm tree looked like, was fuzzy on what "lone" meant and, for the love of all that's holy, had no idea what a pace was.

Those of you out there with Sandy as "loveable loser" had to feel a tingle of excitement at this point.

Back at Timbera: I'm beginning to think that Sierra only has one eye. She keeps squinting one. Maybe that's why everyone tried to vote her off.

Tyson is awarded points for the first blur as he goes al dente (which is Italian for "showing off one's noodle"). Five points to anyone who had him.

Tyson tells us that he's all about getting the million dollars any way he can because he can't wait to shower himself in expensive jewelry and even a man tiara if such a thing exists.

Fortunately I am blessed with copious amounts of free time to do this sort of research for you. Here is a photo of the owner of "Tiara's For Men": http://www.flickr.com/photos/maeko/3178946918/ His name is Raoul de Googlea and he thinks that all men have the right to wear expensive head jewelry, occasionally use makeup and, when necessary, eschew nose hair trimming.

The challenge was typical Survivor fare: race across sand dunes and water to retrieve puzzle planks that would be sorted to form a staircase. The team would then be faced with a table-top maze that they would need to solve to gain immunity.

Jerry caught my eye early as he seemed to be the last one of the group to the puzzle planks and back to the beach. I think his time serving in Afghanistan might be catching up with him.

Jalapao got a nice lead with the planks and began working the staircase puzzle first. Sandy was chosen to stay back and work the puzzle. I must say, she seemed to sober up at that point and really took to the task. Her tribe started in on the tabletop maze first.

Timbera eventually completed the stair puzzle. Sierra wasn't as crisp as Sandy, but she got the task accomplished. At this point Timbera was able to make up time on the table maze and finished first, claiming immunity.

Back at loser camp, Sandy continued to futilely search for her idol. At this point she seemed to have given up on the clues and was digging holes at random.

Carolina told us that "with every failure there's an opportunity for growth." If her success that day was any indication I would think she'd be taller by now.

At tribal council Probst flat out asked Sandy "are you a little crazy?" She cackled in the affirmative. You could almost hear him thinking "great, just what I need...another stalker."

Carolina indicated that sometimes her directions can come across as a little whiny. Great. I always like it when people tell me what to do but make it sound like they're complaining about it.

Carolina was first voted off and is our "Loveable Loser" with ten points dutifully awarded.

And with that we're off and running for the fourth season of...Survivorfest!