Survivorfest week 12!

The Dragon Slayer is slain!

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Fresh from tribal council, Coach was pleased to be surrounded by no one but warriors...and Stephen...and Taj...and Erinn.


But he was quite distraught when he found out that his former ally, Debbie, had planned to blindside him in the last council. "I was like a lamb being led to the slaughter!"

He was happy to learn that his pals had "mounted an attack to save him."

Alas, Coach knew he was no longer in control of the game.

Coach has started wearing his buff in a weird way...Does anyone else think he's starting to look like Papa Smurf? http://www.costumzee.com/view/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/papa_smurf.jpg

PICTURES OF CUTE KITTENS

Turns out Coach is ailing. In addition to asthma, his back is injured. I suspect his idiot assistant who paid him what appeared to be a conjugal visit last week.

In conversation with JT and Stephen, Coach started to try to weasel his way out of going to Exile. As it turns out, Coach is one of the only ones who hasn't been to Exile. And JT, I believe.

Reward challenge was a race through a Survivor-shaped maze with their feet shackled. Once through the maze players would tie sticks together until they had a long enough pole to retrieve a sandbag on a rope. They would use the sandbag to knock over three beams. First one wins reward.

JT led the pack through the maze. Coach followed him closely, with Erinn right behind. The others decided to try their own path through the maze.

JT quickly made it all the way through. Coach was right behind him and the two of them were soon at work on tying their sticks together. Somewhere on the way Erinn evidently got lost. She came out of the maze with Stephen and Taj several minutes later.

JT finished extending his pole, reached the rope and knocked his targets down one, two, three. If you think I'm going to take this opportunity to make a rude observation about the phallic nature of this challenge...you're absolutely right.


JT asked for a volunteer for Exile. When none was forthcoming he chose Coach. To ease the blow, he told him it was time to man up and sacrifice. It was like throwing gas on a fire.

Coach indicated that he was not only pleased to take a turn in Exile, but he was going to take a monastic approach...no fire, sleep or food.

Erinn, called him out right then and there, claiming that if he starved himself he would then have an excuse to lose at the immunity challenge. Mostly I think she was tired of his crap.

Coach refuted her accusations and shared that he was experiencing asthma issues and had multiple ruptured discs in his back. He further offered to let anyone who disbelieved him, "hit him with their best shot, Pat Benatar!"

Some of you young folks out there (Mike) might be unfamiliar with the career of Pat Benatar. I like to think of her as the Susan B. Anthony of 80's rock. Love IS a battlefield, girl! I'm pretty sure I could ill-afford the number of man points that just cost me.

JT was allowed to take only one person with him on reward and chose Stephen. Taj and Erinn seemed happy to go back to camp as long as it was without Coach.

Back at camp, Erinn regrets calling out Coach. Not because she felt badly about it, but because she didn't like the way it made her look bad to JT and Stephen.


Taj was nonplussed by Coach's alleged injuries. She thought that, had he won, "the warrior would have been back."

Erinn shared that her strategy was to go as far as she could with Stephen and JT. Stick with the two people who still retained any semblance of control over the game? Man, she should write a book or something. At least at this point in the game she seems to have a strategy. That's six steps up from where she was last week.

At Exile, Coach launched into a self-assessment of monumental proportions including some of really top-drawer Survivorfest Hall of Fame quotes:

He described himself using approximately 35 adjectives. Really, there needs to be some personal limits.

"The Coach Wade foundation is built on rock!"

"I could go a week without food...it would make me a better, stronger person!"

"I will be like my ancestors, the Native Americans."

"People hate me because I'm eloquent."

And last, but not least, Coach took time to pray: "Please help me to forgive Erinn for being such a bitch..." Okay, I added that last part. He was firing them off faster than I could keep up.

I suspect CBS is collecting all of this for a "Best of Coach" DVD compliation.

The Dragon Slayer made a Dragon Cane to help him do some pseudo-karate type stuff and then to assist him while he hobbled to the immunity challenge.

At the reward challenge, JT and Stephen took a private plane to the Governor's vacation house.


JT: "When I woke up this morning I never dreamed I'd be on a private plane today." I think Joe said the exact same thing around week 6.

The gov's place was nice, and best of all it had a shower! JT: "34 days I have not washed my nasty tail!"

I found it a little uncomfotable that Stephen just sat and watched him, while waiting for his turn. I don't care how much time you spend together in the wild, sometimes a man needs some privacy!

Afterward the two pals enjoyed a feast made up primarily of large hunks of meat. Stephen called it a meat festival. I have nothing to add to that.

They started celebrating their "final 2" status. Better not plan the parade yet, boys.

Day 36, on Exile and Coach appears to be dead. Vultures pecking at his eyes and everything.

He came to long enough to quote Marcus Aurelius, the Roman Emperor who said "You can fool all the people some of the time, you can even fool some of the people all the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time." I know he said it. I was there with Coach. He said it in Latin and then taught Coach how to Samba.

FUNNY JOKES

The immunity challenge was a stamina challenge. Each contestant would stand with their feet braced against two small platforms nailed into vertical poles. Each few minutes they would drop down to a set of smaller platforms, last one on would win immunity.

Coach came back from Exile, limping along with his Dragon Cane.

Taj: "Oh, please! A 37-year old man who thinks he's a Dragon Slayer belongs in a mental institution!" Hey, I have questions about what a middle-aged mother who is married to a multi-millionaire is doing starving herself to death, but I keep them to myself.

Despite his fast at Exile, Coach did quietly request a swig of water before the challenge started.


I figured Stephen and Erin might do well at this challenge as they were both fairly light. Boy was I wrong.

Erinn dropped out first, followed by Stephen. Taj went shortly after, leaving Coach and JT in a battle of wills. Probst billed it as the listener and the talker, and the young buck and the warrior. I think he might be the love child of Howard Cosell. Howard, shows off his versatility here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2rg3a_howard-cosell-john-lennon_music

Probst asked Coach if he thought his time meditating on Exile gave him an advantage in the mental aspect of this challenge. Naturally Coach agreed.

Taj reminded Coach that his back was injured and suggested he take it easy. Coach's back gave out right about then.

Coach shrieked and then slowly flopped off of the platform. He then collapsed into a heap on the ground.

Probst asked if Coach wanted the medical team to take a look at him. "NO! If medical were to take a look at my back I wouldn't be here!"

Later Coach indicated "I was honored in defeat...and when I went down."

NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT

Stephen: "I felt so bad for him...but he's still the Dragon Slayer! I need people here that I can beat." I think it's too late to get Sandy and Sierra back in the game, Stephen.

Back at camp, Coach tried to have JT and Stephen reassure him that he wasn't going to get blindsided at council that night. "No surprises, right, guys?" and "we're all still warriors here, right?"

I'm a little surprised that no one is talking about trying to blindside JT at this point. He must be a realllllly nice guy.

At council, Probst gets Erinn to start up on her Coach rant. Probst asked Coach to respond to her accusations that he's a pointless, unrelenting ass.

Coach: "Sometimes when a man drops a pebble, women see a boulder." Oooo, despite my recent drop in man points, I'm still a man and that even offended me.

Before heading off to cast votes, Coach announced that he had a poem to read. I'm not going to repeat it here. It sounded vaguely biblical. This guy breaks all the rules.

Probst indicated that this would be the last week someone could use the hidden immunity idol. No one did. I am fairly sure that the number of times someone tried to play a fake idol would outnumber the times someone played a real idol. Why even give those things out?

Coach was cast out in a close vote over Erinn. Stephen evidently decided he had a better chance of beating her in a challenge than Coach. Probably true, but I'm going to miss that guy.

Coach couldn't leave without a few last zingers: "Why would they want to keep Erinn in the warrior alliance instead of me? It turns out Stephen was the evil wizard, not the white wizard."

The season ends on Sunday as our final days of Survivorfest draw to a close!

SECRETS OF WEIGHT LOSS!