Survivorfest 4 - week1!

(Not so) sweeeeeeet Carolin(a)......Forgive me for channeling my inner Neil Diamond. That usually doesn't happen until week 7 or so.

And Survivorfest 4 is off and running! Welcome back those of you who have been here before and a shout out to all of you first timers. Strange...that made me feel almost vaguely vice-presidential.

Probst immediately whipped us into shape at the end of the truck ride to the starting point by letting us know that our Survivors were facing the challenges of deep, dark Brazil where:

Temperatures could surpass 120 degrees
There were spontaneous wildfires
There were few rivers
Said rivers were occupied by wild animals
The local village was actually being run by Jonny Fairplay

Okay, I may have been kidding about the last one.

The tribe had already been split into two tribes (Jalapao and Timbera) which seemed to save the trouble of a random pick of colored stones or a schoolyard pick that usually ended up pointing out who everyone thought the early weak links were.

Oops. Turns out they would have an immediate vote to see which of their new tribemates would be voted out of the upcoming adventure.

Jalapao chose bus driver Sandy because she was old and probably crazy while Timbera elected to cull Sierra because she didn't appear to survive the truck ride.

But before any of you who had either of these two as a "loveable loser" gets too excited, Probst was only kidding. The two weak links would get to chopper to the tribe camp while the rest of the troop had to walk four miles in the grueling heat, carrying all of their supplies.

The supplies came courtesy of whatever each tribe was able to haul out of the truck within 60 seconds. Jalapao started things off on the wrong foot when they ended up with no food and no water. I'm not sure what they ended up getting, but it looked to be eighty pounds of bricks, two-huge sacks of coffee beans and the driver (whose name is Juan and he'd like to give a shout out to his kids, who he hopes to see again if the strange Americans don't end up eating him). Just kidding.

Probst pointed out Jalapao's error in judgment, but Spencer indicated he thought that they'd be "just fine". Evidently he thought no food and no water would be okay. Possibly he is a Breatharian (http://www.angelfire.com/stars3/breathe_light/breatharianism.html) and I am not making that up.

After their initial disappointment (read outrage and belligerence) turned to relief at the prospect of not being voted off and getting to take an expensive, luxury ride, Sandy and Sierra had the campsites all to themselves.

Some quick notes and quotes from the rest of the tribe during the trek:

Taj plans to burn off her baby weight in the hot Brazilian sun on this adventure.

Stephen managed to quickly acquire a hole in the ass side of his pants. There was no adequate explanation, but he did indicate it was "a little something for the ladies back home." Don't all you ladies feel better knowing that?

Carolina wore cowboy boots. It never ceases to amaze me what people choose to wear on Survivor.

Benjamin or "Coach" indicated that he was kind of a man of adventure who was thrilled at the challenges before him and couldn't wait to eliminate the weak so that he could go up against the best of the best like a gladiator of old. It's only week one and I already want to punch him in the head.

At camp Jalapao, Sandy is already crying. That didn't take long. One of these seasons I need to add a category for "first one who cries".

I've come to the conclusion that she reminds me of "Patty the Daytime Hooker" from My Name is Earl. I'll add her to my Survivor/celebrity Look-a-like page a little later: http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/Survivor_celebrity.htm

Sandy was presented with a choice: begin setting up camp or look for a hidden immunity idol. Still feeling outcast she opted for the idol and set off searching for the first clue.

Back at Timbera, Sierra had the same choice, but opted to curry the favor of her tribe by setting up a shelter.

When the rest of Jalapao had arrived, Sandy had still not found the first clue. She had spent most of her time muttering to herself, crying and swearing. The tribe was not pleased to discover that she had not been doing anything productive while they were hiking across the wilderness.

Timbera seemed to appreciate the work that Sierra had done for them, although they didn't reach the campsite until after dark.

Back at Jalapao, Sandy kept slipping away from the others to look for the first clue. I think told them she had to "go menopause" so they didn't ask any questions.

She found the first clue which indicated she should take ten paces toward the lone palm tree. This presented a problem for Sandy who apparently didn't know what a palm tree looked like, was fuzzy on what "lone" meant and, for the love of all that's holy, had no idea what a pace was.

Those of you out there with Sandy as "loveable loser" had to feel a tingle of excitement at this point.

Back at Timbera: I'm beginning to think that Sierra only has one eye. She keeps squinting one. Maybe that's why everyone tried to vote her off.

Tyson is awarded points for the first blur as he goes al dente (which is Italian for "showing off one's noodle"). Five points to anyone who had him.

Tyson tells us that he's all about getting the million dollars any way he can because he can't wait to shower himself in expensive jewelry and even a man tiara if such a thing exists.

Fortunately I am blessed with copious amounts of free time to do this sort of research for you. Here is a photo of the owner of "Tiara's For Men": http://www.flickr.com/photos/maeko/3178946918/ His name is Raoul de Googlea and he thinks that all men have the right to wear expensive head jewelry, occasionally use makeup and, when necessary, eschew nose hair trimming.

The challenge was typical Survivor fare: race across sand dunes and water to retrieve puzzle planks that would be sorted to form a staircase. The team would then be faced with a table-top maze that they would need to solve to gain immunity.

Jerry caught my eye early as he seemed to be the last one of the group to the puzzle planks and back to the beach. I think his time serving in Afghanistan might be catching up with him.

Jalapao got a nice lead with the planks and began working the staircase puzzle first. Sandy was chosen to stay back and work the puzzle. I must say, she seemed to sober up at that point and really took to the task. Her tribe started in on the tabletop maze first.

Timbera eventually completed the stair puzzle. Sierra wasn't as crisp as Sandy, but she got the task accomplished. At this point Timbera was able to make up time on the table maze and finished first, claiming immunity.

Back at loser camp, Sandy continued to futilely search for her idol. At this point she seemed to have given up on the clues and was digging holes at random.

Carolina told us that "with every failure there's an opportunity for growth." If her success that day was any indication I would think she'd be taller by now.

At tribal council Probst flat out asked Sandy "are you a little crazy?" She cackled in the affirmative. You could almost hear him thinking "great, just what I need...another stalker."

Carolina indicated that sometimes her directions can come across as a little whiny. Great. I always like it when people tell me what to do but make it sound like they're complaining about it.

Carolina was first voted off and is our "Loveable Loser" with ten points dutifully awarded.

And with that we're off and running for the fourth season of...Survivorfest!